Sooo this semester isn’t going as well as the last for me. It’s just been really lonely. I’m in these 100-level classes that are big and lecture so it’s not at all an environment where I can meet new people or have conversations with anyone. Then I have lunch alone, which I already hated doing. I can deal with it and everything but it’s still such a depressing state, eating alone, you know? Also got some bs girl issues that are prob 30% me not giving up on getting close to avoid getting hurt in the long run and 70% her not being able to handle being in a relationship. And this kinda stuff has just left me feeling so isolated and lonely, esp since I thrive so much on social interaction and was having such a fun time making new friends and flirting and having fun last semester. Anyway, this kinda stress compounded with stress from overeating in the first part of this semester has been causing me to further overeat as a way of just trying to quiet the feelings of anxiety and inadequacy and solitude. My self esteem has just gotten so low compared to how freaking high it was last year and I can’t figure out how to get back there. Thankfully, I’m at a place now where I’m working to control the scarier parts of my eating habits. I’m working to cut desserts and sweets out of my diet cuz A-they’re unhealthy when you eat them every day like I did, and B-they were actually stressing me out, like I would freak out about what dessert I was going to eat and if i could have two or just one or how many in one day is alright and it’s just so much easier and calmer to not have that to deal with. And I’m also working on eating more consciously, the age-old eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. That part is harder. So often I’m full, not even hungry but just have this strong pull to keep on eating once I start, to keep getting up and getting more food. I’m not sure if it’s cuz I don’t want the satisfaction of eating to go away or the stress I’m dealing with wasn’t solved by my meal so I’m trying to eat more as if that will fix it. There’s also this feeling like if I don’t eat a certain food item, I’m never going to have the chance again so I eat as much as I can even if I’m not hungry. The worst days are the ones where I eat until I’m so full I feel sick and strongly feel the desire to make myself throw up to deal with the guilt I feel for all the food I put inside myself. I just hate the dining hall so much, not that the food is bad, but that it’s just all there, all the time and the environment feels so gross in a way I can’t really explain.
I’m just so sick of thinking about all of this, about how I’ve been dealing with food, but it keeps happening so I have to keep checking myself over and over again, trying to think my way out of this. I know that I’m always going to have some kind of stress in my life. If not loneliness or relationship bs, then something else for sure, and that if I don’t change the way I eat in response to stress, this is always going to be an issue even when those aren’t. I also know that I’m getting better. Or working on it at least. It’s not something I can just switch off. I’m going to make more efforts to text people who aren’t my closest friends to see if they’ll eat with me so I don’t have to be alone. I’m going to do my best to eat what feels good to me and stop once I’m satisfied so I don’t spoil that feeling with one of regret. I know that I am worthy and smart and hard working and beautiful, even if I don’t always feel like it. I just need to get out of my head sometimes.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
Expectations v Reality
So this post is going to be a bit whiny, I'm sorry about that in advance, feel free to skip this one.
I was honestly so excited for break. I had these expectations. Going to Washington would be a great time to do fun stuff with the family I love. The second half of break would be a great time to catch up with friends from back home. The reality has been a little less exciting. I know how it sounds complaining about a month of free time, but I'm honestly not having a great time. Washington was two weeks, which is about one week two long. I saw too much of the cousin I hate and not nearly enough of the one I don't. We watched tv and ate, maybe leaving the house to actually do something three times out of the two weeks. I was ready to come back to RI.
The first weekend back was great, I saw some friends and had a fun time. This was followed, however, by a week stuck at home until around 5pm or later when my family, usually just my dad and siblings, would come back, all tired/stressed and take me out to eat at some fast food place. So much time alone has a tendency to put an unhealthy amount of focus on unpleasant memories and feelings that are usually distracted from. I also am starting to doubt the possibility of anything happening between the HC girl and I, we've been talking a lot over break and it's kinda starting to feel like idk either we don't have enough in common or we're both too boring or we're just plain incompatible or something. I'm not sure where we stand or what I want from our relationship and I think she's in a similar place. I should talk to her abt us but honestly idk what could come of it.
My mom's been working too hard. She's miserable and irritable and I hardly see her, which is extra bad because she wasn't in Washington with us. Being stuck at home like this has made me a little crazy, so I was excited today to go into prov with my dad. I ended up hanging out at his office for a few hours while AB hung out with B at blue state then went on a date or a meeting or something until 1 when I went back to school with her to visit. The visit wasn't bad exactly, and I got to see some ppl I've missed, but going back to wheeler has a way of making me feel sad, not in an "i miss this so much" way but more in a "I don't belong here anymore" way and a "this part of my life is over" way. And now I have a little more freedom since it's the weekend but it seems like everyone I could see is busy doing something so I'm stuck at home still not just because I don't have a car but because I have nowhere to go.
I'm sick of reading and watching tv I don't exactly want to go back to school but I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to do something nice during this weekend and the next one but I feel like I can't stand the week in between. This break feels like a waste of time I can't get back.
I was honestly so excited for break. I had these expectations. Going to Washington would be a great time to do fun stuff with the family I love. The second half of break would be a great time to catch up with friends from back home. The reality has been a little less exciting. I know how it sounds complaining about a month of free time, but I'm honestly not having a great time. Washington was two weeks, which is about one week two long. I saw too much of the cousin I hate and not nearly enough of the one I don't. We watched tv and ate, maybe leaving the house to actually do something three times out of the two weeks. I was ready to come back to RI.
The first weekend back was great, I saw some friends and had a fun time. This was followed, however, by a week stuck at home until around 5pm or later when my family, usually just my dad and siblings, would come back, all tired/stressed and take me out to eat at some fast food place. So much time alone has a tendency to put an unhealthy amount of focus on unpleasant memories and feelings that are usually distracted from. I also am starting to doubt the possibility of anything happening between the HC girl and I, we've been talking a lot over break and it's kinda starting to feel like idk either we don't have enough in common or we're both too boring or we're just plain incompatible or something. I'm not sure where we stand or what I want from our relationship and I think she's in a similar place. I should talk to her abt us but honestly idk what could come of it.
My mom's been working too hard. She's miserable and irritable and I hardly see her, which is extra bad because she wasn't in Washington with us. Being stuck at home like this has made me a little crazy, so I was excited today to go into prov with my dad. I ended up hanging out at his office for a few hours while AB hung out with B at blue state then went on a date or a meeting or something until 1 when I went back to school with her to visit. The visit wasn't bad exactly, and I got to see some ppl I've missed, but going back to wheeler has a way of making me feel sad, not in an "i miss this so much" way but more in a "I don't belong here anymore" way and a "this part of my life is over" way. And now I have a little more freedom since it's the weekend but it seems like everyone I could see is busy doing something so I'm stuck at home still not just because I don't have a car but because I have nowhere to go.
I'm sick of reading and watching tv I don't exactly want to go back to school but I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to do something nice during this weekend and the next one but I feel like I can't stand the week in between. This break feels like a waste of time I can't get back.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
College life college girl
So I figure I'm overdue for an update. Also I don't wanna write a paper for English so here I am. Some of this info might be redundant for what I've already told you, but I'm gonna put it down here anyway just to keep track of what's goin on. College has been so much better than I anticipated. I made some really amazing friends right away. I really fit in here. I honestly couldn't be happier with how all of this turned out, especially considering how much stress and grief I gave myself leading up to this. How things ended up with B wasn't ideal, but I'm honestly very happy we ended when we did. I'm also so thankful for the incredible friends I have, old and new, who helped me get through it. I'm reconciling really well with Am, she seems pretty broken up after her breakup with J, so we're talking a lot more than we used to. She sent me some really sweet texts and I hope we get to hang out over break. I'm gonna see Z soon over thanksgiving so that should be super awesome also. As for H and A, I'll have to wait until christmas, but I think it'll be worth the wait. H do you wanna visit school with me? I went back over fall break but it was so close to my breakup and I didn't get to talk to teachers as much as I wanted to. Also we should have a christmas party for sure.
Anyway, continuing with the update. Two of my closest friends here are An and M, they're practically my roommates and they are incredibly sweet, funny, and smart, and I'm so lucky to have them as my friends. Classes are going well, I kinda miss some things about high school but college classes aren't so bad. I'm taking compsci next semester so I'm gonna see how that goes. Idk, The idea of choosing a major freaks me out more than I can say, I honestly have no clue what I wanna do with my life, I'm just thankful I'm not alone in that. I'm just trying not to think abt it too much for now, although it seems like I have so little time in college that I have to make all my time count. Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm in a pretty good place for not knowing what I'm doing, it seems.
I'm also trying out the full extent of my bisexuality here, which pretty much just means flirting a lot with girls. Have I mentioned how much I like flirting with girls? It's so much fun I'm having so much fun with it. Especially since I'm now in an environment where there is a pretty good possibility of the girl being at least bi, haha. Anyway, I guess this wouldn't be a diary if I didn't gush about my newest crush. She doesn't go to BMC, she goes to HC, and she's a sophomore. She's got curly hair and dimples and glasses. This crush is kinda nuts, I haven't had one like this since middle school. I literally can't stop thinking about her. I can't even talk around her I sound like such an idiot. Anyway I think there's a possibility she also has a crush on me and we're working on our bio project together so let's see how things go. If that doesn't work out there's another girl who goes to BMC with me who I think also likes me altho she has a boyfriend??? And then there's this other girl I see at parties a lot who is super cute but I saw her making out with another girl at a party so either she's taken or? Anyway lol like I said things are going pretty well.
Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Thanks for sticking with me. I miss you guys so much, I can't wait until I can see you again. To Z and H, thank you for your bravery and openness irt recent postings. You guys are so strong and I love you so much more than I can say. You mean the world to me and it has been an honor to grow up alongside you. I hope you are well. I wish you health and happiness.
So much love-R
songs of the moment
I'm Different-Hi Suhyun
Talking Backwards-Real Estate
Anyway, continuing with the update. Two of my closest friends here are An and M, they're practically my roommates and they are incredibly sweet, funny, and smart, and I'm so lucky to have them as my friends. Classes are going well, I kinda miss some things about high school but college classes aren't so bad. I'm taking compsci next semester so I'm gonna see how that goes. Idk, The idea of choosing a major freaks me out more than I can say, I honestly have no clue what I wanna do with my life, I'm just thankful I'm not alone in that. I'm just trying not to think abt it too much for now, although it seems like I have so little time in college that I have to make all my time count. Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm in a pretty good place for not knowing what I'm doing, it seems.
I'm also trying out the full extent of my bisexuality here, which pretty much just means flirting a lot with girls. Have I mentioned how much I like flirting with girls? It's so much fun I'm having so much fun with it. Especially since I'm now in an environment where there is a pretty good possibility of the girl being at least bi, haha. Anyway, I guess this wouldn't be a diary if I didn't gush about my newest crush. She doesn't go to BMC, she goes to HC, and she's a sophomore. She's got curly hair and dimples and glasses. This crush is kinda nuts, I haven't had one like this since middle school. I literally can't stop thinking about her. I can't even talk around her I sound like such an idiot. Anyway I think there's a possibility she also has a crush on me and we're working on our bio project together so let's see how things go. If that doesn't work out there's another girl who goes to BMC with me who I think also likes me altho she has a boyfriend??? And then there's this other girl I see at parties a lot who is super cute but I saw her making out with another girl at a party so either she's taken or? Anyway lol like I said things are going pretty well.
Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Thanks for sticking with me. I miss you guys so much, I can't wait until I can see you again. To Z and H, thank you for your bravery and openness irt recent postings. You guys are so strong and I love you so much more than I can say. You mean the world to me and it has been an honor to grow up alongside you. I hope you are well. I wish you health and happiness.
So much love-R
songs of the moment
I'm Different-Hi Suhyun
Talking Backwards-Real Estate
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Nervous Rambling
Hey Guys, Just wanted to get some thoughts out before school starts up again, so much has happened this week, getting college decisions back has made everything so much more real and I am having trouble processing it all so I kinda want to just ramble for a little bit because that helps me sometimes.
I'm scared right now. I'm so so happy with my life, I'm young, I'm confident, I have so much love in my life, and I know my immediate future is really bright. This year I've really learned to love myself, and with that, I've come to allow myself to be loved and be happy. I'm so happy to be alive in this moment, living the wonderful life I'm living, But I'm so so scared. I know I'm not alone too. Just over a month and I will have attended my last wheeler class. In three months I won't be a wheeler student anymore, like I have been for the past 15 years of my life. Everything is about to change, and fast. This year has just gone by so fast, it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. And I hate to think about it of course, because the future is coming whether I worry about it or not, but I just hate this uncertainty. I hate having to make decisions when there is no "right" thing to do, and it's impossible to make everyone happy. I hate having to think about losing meaningful relationships. I hate the idea of leaving home, leaving my family, and living with strangers. And yes, I'm ultimately very lucky that these are the worries and problems I have. But they still make me feel so small and I'm working all the time to reconcile that, to be excited for my future, and be so thankful for everything I have.
I can't stand thinking about B, and what's going to happen to us, and I'm so full of guilt about what I'm doing to him. I'm so happy with him, and he has helped me and given me so much, and I know I have made him really happy. I really do love him, and I don't regret any part of our relationship because it has been really perfect, but we both are in a place where we know the end is coming and it makes things kinda weird and sad and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I had said when I agreed to date him that I didn't want to continue long distance in college. He agreed with me, and my plan hasn't changed, but what has changed is that each day I'm with him, I feel worse and worse about it. I know that it's what I need to do, that we're not both in the right place to make it work out, but I've come to care for him more than I ever thought I could, and leaving him feels so wrong and mean. Even the fact that I've put an "expiration date" on our relationship makes me feel like a total bitch. I do care a lot about him, and being without him isn't going to be easy for me in any way, but there's still a part of me that thinks that moving on is the right thing for me to do, and I feel kind of horrible about it. Of course, it's no good to stay with someone just because leaving them would hurt them, but there's still this fear that I'm never going to be able to find someone as lovely as him again, that I'm making a big mistake leaving him because what if no one loves me the same way again. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense tbh, It's just a bad situation I have to deal with because there's no easy way out. I have to figure out how I really feel and I don't even know, listen to my heart or something? Whatever, how long can I go without dealing with or thinking about this? It just sucks because I'll be sitting right next to him, and I'll feel nostalgic about our relationship even though it's not over, even though it's still happening, I can only live in the moment so much before I start thinking anxiously about the future again. I just want to enjoy the time I have with him, but with everything happening so much and so fast I can't help but feel him slipping away.
Idk that's all for now I guess. Hope you all had a nice break! Sorry for the emotion dump, I am honestly doing pretty well, I'm very happy, and excited for the future, I just have all these worries in the back of my head, and I need to sort through them sooner or late.
I'm scared right now. I'm so so happy with my life, I'm young, I'm confident, I have so much love in my life, and I know my immediate future is really bright. This year I've really learned to love myself, and with that, I've come to allow myself to be loved and be happy. I'm so happy to be alive in this moment, living the wonderful life I'm living, But I'm so so scared. I know I'm not alone too. Just over a month and I will have attended my last wheeler class. In three months I won't be a wheeler student anymore, like I have been for the past 15 years of my life. Everything is about to change, and fast. This year has just gone by so fast, it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. And I hate to think about it of course, because the future is coming whether I worry about it or not, but I just hate this uncertainty. I hate having to make decisions when there is no "right" thing to do, and it's impossible to make everyone happy. I hate having to think about losing meaningful relationships. I hate the idea of leaving home, leaving my family, and living with strangers. And yes, I'm ultimately very lucky that these are the worries and problems I have. But they still make me feel so small and I'm working all the time to reconcile that, to be excited for my future, and be so thankful for everything I have.
I can't stand thinking about B, and what's going to happen to us, and I'm so full of guilt about what I'm doing to him. I'm so happy with him, and he has helped me and given me so much, and I know I have made him really happy. I really do love him, and I don't regret any part of our relationship because it has been really perfect, but we both are in a place where we know the end is coming and it makes things kinda weird and sad and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I had said when I agreed to date him that I didn't want to continue long distance in college. He agreed with me, and my plan hasn't changed, but what has changed is that each day I'm with him, I feel worse and worse about it. I know that it's what I need to do, that we're not both in the right place to make it work out, but I've come to care for him more than I ever thought I could, and leaving him feels so wrong and mean. Even the fact that I've put an "expiration date" on our relationship makes me feel like a total bitch. I do care a lot about him, and being without him isn't going to be easy for me in any way, but there's still a part of me that thinks that moving on is the right thing for me to do, and I feel kind of horrible about it. Of course, it's no good to stay with someone just because leaving them would hurt them, but there's still this fear that I'm never going to be able to find someone as lovely as him again, that I'm making a big mistake leaving him because what if no one loves me the same way again. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense tbh, It's just a bad situation I have to deal with because there's no easy way out. I have to figure out how I really feel and I don't even know, listen to my heart or something? Whatever, how long can I go without dealing with or thinking about this? It just sucks because I'll be sitting right next to him, and I'll feel nostalgic about our relationship even though it's not over, even though it's still happening, I can only live in the moment so much before I start thinking anxiously about the future again. I just want to enjoy the time I have with him, but with everything happening so much and so fast I can't help but feel him slipping away.
Idk that's all for now I guess. Hope you all had a nice break! Sorry for the emotion dump, I am honestly doing pretty well, I'm very happy, and excited for the future, I just have all these worries in the back of my head, and I need to sort through them sooner or late.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Stream of Consciousness Essay
First
I’m so happy here with you. My heart hasn’t slowed since you came to sit down next to me. My mind is screaming for you to push your hand over just the smallest amount so that our hands can be touching and then I can hold your hand and feel your skin and your heartbeat pulsing and the bones the heat. Please just move your hand the smallest bit to the right please just pick up my hand I want you I want to feel you I want to please. Our knees brush slightly and I look up at you, your eyes shining nervously and your lips parted slightly. You look firmly into my eyes and lean in, my heart pounds against my ribcage. My first kiss this is it this is amazing this feels wrong oh my god I hope you think I’m a good kisser I hope you like me I hope I’m pretty enough I hope you like me I hope you like kissing me oh my god my first kiss my first I turn my head away from you, averting my eyes to stare at the screen we’re both pretending to watch. My heart beats faster and I take a deep breath in an attempt to appear calm and collected. I like you so much and I am so happy here with you but I can’t be I can’t let myself again it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you you are the best thing in my life but I can’t it’s not you I swear it’s not. You are so great I want to want you I can’t I can’t please don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t look at me. I can feel your eyes on me I want to meet your gaze but I can’t look you in the eye.
Why can’t I just trust and let myself be happy, why can’t I let someone like me after all this time I’ve finally started to like myself. I’ll only hurt you nothing good could ever come from this don’t touch me I’m a wreck you deserve so much more you deserve a normal girl who can look you in the eye who can commit who can trust. I shudder slightly and lean my head into your shoulder, closing my eyes. you don’t have to I can hear your heartbeat, loud and steady like a throb of energy. You are the sweetest thing, I know you would never hurt me ever you couldn’t. I’ll only hurt you. You kiss me again on the 25th floor landing. I try to seem not disgusted with the spit that leaks from your mouth as you stick your tongue in my mouth for so much longer than I ever wanted, breathing heavy entangled, acne and saliva and attention and fear and lust. You don’t have to do anything.
In the car driving home we joke about Nicholas Cage and lay out our plans for writing, directing, and producing The Worst Movie Ever starring him as every single character. I can’t stop laughing and you can’t stop laughing you’re so beautiful when you laugh. I want to run away with you and live in a cave made of pillows for weeks and weeks until we get bored I want to go everywhere with you I want to hear every thought I want to feel you under my skin and let myself be surrounded by you I want to envelop you and keep you forever but each time you look deep into me I feel sick. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to kiss you in a deep dark closet where no one can see us but I can’t stand the way it feels when you get too close when we come too close when I want to run away and hide deep in a hole where no one will ever find me but I want you still I want you to stay and sit and You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to meet your eyes and not pull away from your hot hot burning hand I want so much but I can’t I can’t don’t touch me please stay please touch me you lied I can’t think straight You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But still I don’t say it. You kiss me my neck my face I don’t say touching my leg my arm my stomach I don’t you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I
No. I’m sorry I just can’t, I like you so much it scares me, I love the way you smile my whole face lights up when you call me I wait all day just to see you for a second I think about you endlessly but I can’t right now maybe I can’t ever I’m not comfortable I’m confused I’ve been hurt I can’t don’t you love me? I wish I could I am so so so sorry I don’t want to hurt you the last thing I want to do is hurt you I want so badly to make you happy to be with you here and now and later but I just can’t it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you I swear honestly you are the best thing in my life I just can’t I can’t please don’t touch me I couldn’t say it Thank you for understanding why I’m so sorry I’m a wreck I wish I could take back my first kiss I wish I could save it and keep it safe and give it to someone who won’t hurt me I wish you weren’t the first i wish you never touched me I wish I never met you I wish I could take it all back why didn’t I just say it I couldn’t say it why didn’t you hear what I was saying screaming shouting please listen please don’t no no no no no no I feel sick when you look at me please don’t hate me don’t touch me I can’t I’m not comfortable I want to be happy I do I just can’t I’m a wreck I loved that you wanted me I love that you are here with me I love that your hand is just inches away from mine I love that you don’t hate me that you listen and understand and care
I’m so ashamed I’m so haunted I see you everywhere I dream about you even now why can’t you leave me alone why won’t you stop please stop just let me be let me move on I want to be happy I just want to be happy but you won’t let me why can’t you let me be I am saying it now I am shouting at you now no please don’t but you don’t hear me I didn’t say it I couldn’t say it. Let me move on let me live free of fear let me live confident strong stop ripping me down stop stealing my worth I am worth more than my first I am worth more than you I made a mistake it’s not my fault it was never my fault it was never my fault it was you all this time and you made me believe it was me it was never my fault. I’m not ok I’m sorry I will be ok someday but for now please stay please stay here with me. Our breathing is soothing and quiet your hand brushes mine and I blush and I smile. I’m not ok but I will be. I hear your heart firm and steady through your chest and clench your shirt in my hand, holding on to this moment, where nothing can hurt me, where I have never been hurt, where I saved my first kiss for you, held onto it all this time for this moment, right here. I’m not afraid.
I’m so happy here with you. My heart hasn’t slowed since you came to sit down next to me. My mind is screaming for you to push your hand over just the smallest amount so that our hands can be touching and then I can hold your hand and feel your skin and your heartbeat pulsing and the bones the heat. Please just move your hand the smallest bit to the right please just pick up my hand I want you I want to feel you I want to please. Our knees brush slightly and I look up at you, your eyes shining nervously and your lips parted slightly. You look firmly into my eyes and lean in, my heart pounds against my ribcage. My first kiss this is it this is amazing this feels wrong oh my god I hope you think I’m a good kisser I hope you like me I hope I’m pretty enough I hope you like me I hope you like kissing me oh my god my first kiss my first I turn my head away from you, averting my eyes to stare at the screen we’re both pretending to watch. My heart beats faster and I take a deep breath in an attempt to appear calm and collected. I like you so much and I am so happy here with you but I can’t be I can’t let myself again it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you you are the best thing in my life but I can’t it’s not you I swear it’s not. You are so great I want to want you I can’t I can’t please don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t look at me. I can feel your eyes on me I want to meet your gaze but I can’t look you in the eye.
Why can’t I just trust and let myself be happy, why can’t I let someone like me after all this time I’ve finally started to like myself. I’ll only hurt you nothing good could ever come from this don’t touch me I’m a wreck you deserve so much more you deserve a normal girl who can look you in the eye who can commit who can trust. I shudder slightly and lean my head into your shoulder, closing my eyes. you don’t have to I can hear your heartbeat, loud and steady like a throb of energy. You are the sweetest thing, I know you would never hurt me ever you couldn’t. I’ll only hurt you. You kiss me again on the 25th floor landing. I try to seem not disgusted with the spit that leaks from your mouth as you stick your tongue in my mouth for so much longer than I ever wanted, breathing heavy entangled, acne and saliva and attention and fear and lust. You don’t have to do anything.
In the car driving home we joke about Nicholas Cage and lay out our plans for writing, directing, and producing The Worst Movie Ever starring him as every single character. I can’t stop laughing and you can’t stop laughing you’re so beautiful when you laugh. I want to run away with you and live in a cave made of pillows for weeks and weeks until we get bored I want to go everywhere with you I want to hear every thought I want to feel you under my skin and let myself be surrounded by you I want to envelop you and keep you forever but each time you look deep into me I feel sick. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to kiss you in a deep dark closet where no one can see us but I can’t stand the way it feels when you get too close when we come too close when I want to run away and hide deep in a hole where no one will ever find me but I want you still I want you to stay and sit and You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to meet your eyes and not pull away from your hot hot burning hand I want so much but I can’t I can’t don’t touch me please stay please touch me you lied I can’t think straight You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But still I don’t say it. You kiss me my neck my face I don’t say touching my leg my arm my stomach I don’t you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I
No. I’m sorry I just can’t, I like you so much it scares me, I love the way you smile my whole face lights up when you call me I wait all day just to see you for a second I think about you endlessly but I can’t right now maybe I can’t ever I’m not comfortable I’m confused I’ve been hurt I can’t don’t you love me? I wish I could I am so so so sorry I don’t want to hurt you the last thing I want to do is hurt you I want so badly to make you happy to be with you here and now and later but I just can’t it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you I swear honestly you are the best thing in my life I just can’t I can’t please don’t touch me I couldn’t say it Thank you for understanding why I’m so sorry I’m a wreck I wish I could take back my first kiss I wish I could save it and keep it safe and give it to someone who won’t hurt me I wish you weren’t the first i wish you never touched me I wish I never met you I wish I could take it all back why didn’t I just say it I couldn’t say it why didn’t you hear what I was saying screaming shouting please listen please don’t no no no no no no I feel sick when you look at me please don’t hate me don’t touch me I can’t I’m not comfortable I want to be happy I do I just can’t I’m a wreck I loved that you wanted me I love that you are here with me I love that your hand is just inches away from mine I love that you don’t hate me that you listen and understand and care
I’m so ashamed I’m so haunted I see you everywhere I dream about you even now why can’t you leave me alone why won’t you stop please stop just let me be let me move on I want to be happy I just want to be happy but you won’t let me why can’t you let me be I am saying it now I am shouting at you now no please don’t but you don’t hear me I didn’t say it I couldn’t say it. Let me move on let me live free of fear let me live confident strong stop ripping me down stop stealing my worth I am worth more than my first I am worth more than you I made a mistake it’s not my fault it was never my fault it was never my fault it was you all this time and you made me believe it was me it was never my fault. I’m not ok I’m sorry I will be ok someday but for now please stay please stay here with me. Our breathing is soothing and quiet your hand brushes mine and I blush and I smile. I’m not ok but I will be. I hear your heart firm and steady through your chest and clench your shirt in my hand, holding on to this moment, where nothing can hurt me, where I have never been hurt, where I saved my first kiss for you, held onto it all this time for this moment, right here. I’m not afraid.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Boys and Friends (rambling)
I. Friends
I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. For a while now, over a year, my friends have been sort of split. There's A and H, and a few other seniors who I am close to and have been close to for a long time. I love seeing these people and when I talk to them, we can talk forever about anything, and we generally have a strong, deep relationship. However, I don't see you guys as much as I would like to just because you're not always around after school or on the weekends, and I don't see you after school. My other group is Z and the juniors, who I like, and who are around a lot more, but I am not as deeply close to in general. Of course, I love talking and joking and spending time with these people, but there aren't a lot of people in this group I feel fully and completely close to as I do to my older friends. In this way, I often feel split down the middle, like I have all these great friends, but each group isn't 100% fulfilling on their own. This is fine, and I love that all of you are my friends, but occasionally I see a ton of people I call my friends during day, then go home feeling like I never really talked to anyone. Last year, I became really close with Am, because she was someone who was both around frequently and someone I felt very close to. During the summer, she left, and I started seeing more and more of Brian. For a while, he was that friend who wasn't really part of either group (well he kinda is), who I could talk to and also see frequently. But now, we've started being in more of a relationship. This is great of course, and I feel like it's definitely a good thing for me to do right now, but with that relationship changed, in a way, he has exited the realm of being my very close friend to "more" than that, and now I'm sort of at a loss. Because now, without Am or B being the friend that transcends the two groups, I'm stuck in the middle, without anyone I can reliably talk to on a regular basis. This is partly my fault, since I don't always text or communicate with people when I actually need to, and sometimes I don't know which "group" to spend my time with, but it makes me sort of, idk, sad? I mean of course, most days I'm very happy with my friends and everyone and I see people and talk about my life and that's great. But it feels like sometimes I'm on my own, and idk if that's actually a thing that's happening, or I'm just making it out to be worse than it is, but it sorta sucks. I guess a reason I'm posting this now is because today I wanted to talk to someone about B, and what was going on, but I couldn't find anyone who I really wanted to talk to about it around, and I didn't really know what to do with myself, because prior to this, the person I always talk to was B, but of course, I can't talk to him about himself. I also want to feel like people can come to me to talk about how they're doing and not feel like a burden or annoying or anything. Basically, I want to talk to you guys. I know I can, and I have, and you haven't gone anywhere, but I'm gonna be trying harder now I guess. I guess what I'm saying is that I miss you guys, it honestly doesn't take much to make me feel lonely, and college whatever doesn't help. You guys have honestly been great, but I miss hanging out and going to parties and spending time with you all and just having fun, and the whole senior year thing is making me feel extra pressure with all that. I'd just like to hang out with more people than B during my weekends I guess. Sorry if this hasn't really gone anywhere, I wasn't sure if I was gonna post anything, but I figure I'd give you all something to read since I didn't really have anywhere else to vent about this stuff. Anyway, who wants to hear funny stories about B and me? No one? Too bad.
II. Boys
So I managed to actually do something rebellious! I snuck into a boys house when his parents were out. I like B a lot, but he is a nervous wreck sometimes, so he was hilariously nervous the whole time I was there. I laughed a little too much at how he didn't know what to say and how he really wanted to kiss me and how scared he was that his parents would come home. I kissed him later in my basement. We were watching Thor. We kissed a bit more and went back to the movie. At the point where Thor smashes the rainbow bridge with his hammer and Loki falls off into space I mumbled "bye Loki". B whispered "I love you to". It was one of the most awkward and funniest things that ever happened to me and I feel bad but also don't because it's just so hilarious and awkward and bad. I have issues with I love you, because I don't really know if I love him. That word is hard for me, of course, because the first thing my first said after he took advantage of me was "do you have anything to say?? How about I love you?" and I said it to him and I didn't mean it and now I can't say it and idk if it's because I don't love him or because I just can't say the word at all. I do like B a lot and he makes me so happy but sometimes I get scared. I sometimes realize how small he is in the things he says and the way he thinks, besides the fact that I can say that I made out with a 15 year old in my basement, which is super creepy. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm doing this now, I'm happy, and I feel like he is the right person to have a healthy first relationship with. I feel in control. I know he's kind and sweet. He likes me a lot (too much?) and I am grateful to have this, I'm just not sure where I see this going. So for now, I don't think I'm going to think about it too much because if I do I get weird and scared and sad. Of course, there's always the background noise of being scared of people "finding out" and being judgmental of me, which I know shouldn't worry me, but it does because I care way too much what other people think of me. I'm also maybe kinda still figuring out my sexuality? Am I more gay than I thought? Again, I know the label doesn't mean anything and I should just like who I like and leave it at that, but the desire to make everything neat and packed away in nice little boxes is a constant scratching in the back of my mind.
Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening to my rambles, thanks for being there for me, I hope you all are well. Stay tuned later this week, I'm planning to post my stream of consciousness essay. I encourage you to do the same, I'd love to hear what you've written if you feel comfortable!
I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. For a while now, over a year, my friends have been sort of split. There's A and H, and a few other seniors who I am close to and have been close to for a long time. I love seeing these people and when I talk to them, we can talk forever about anything, and we generally have a strong, deep relationship. However, I don't see you guys as much as I would like to just because you're not always around after school or on the weekends, and I don't see you after school. My other group is Z and the juniors, who I like, and who are around a lot more, but I am not as deeply close to in general. Of course, I love talking and joking and spending time with these people, but there aren't a lot of people in this group I feel fully and completely close to as I do to my older friends. In this way, I often feel split down the middle, like I have all these great friends, but each group isn't 100% fulfilling on their own. This is fine, and I love that all of you are my friends, but occasionally I see a ton of people I call my friends during day, then go home feeling like I never really talked to anyone. Last year, I became really close with Am, because she was someone who was both around frequently and someone I felt very close to. During the summer, she left, and I started seeing more and more of Brian. For a while, he was that friend who wasn't really part of either group (well he kinda is), who I could talk to and also see frequently. But now, we've started being in more of a relationship. This is great of course, and I feel like it's definitely a good thing for me to do right now, but with that relationship changed, in a way, he has exited the realm of being my very close friend to "more" than that, and now I'm sort of at a loss. Because now, without Am or B being the friend that transcends the two groups, I'm stuck in the middle, without anyone I can reliably talk to on a regular basis. This is partly my fault, since I don't always text or communicate with people when I actually need to, and sometimes I don't know which "group" to spend my time with, but it makes me sort of, idk, sad? I mean of course, most days I'm very happy with my friends and everyone and I see people and talk about my life and that's great. But it feels like sometimes I'm on my own, and idk if that's actually a thing that's happening, or I'm just making it out to be worse than it is, but it sorta sucks. I guess a reason I'm posting this now is because today I wanted to talk to someone about B, and what was going on, but I couldn't find anyone who I really wanted to talk to about it around, and I didn't really know what to do with myself, because prior to this, the person I always talk to was B, but of course, I can't talk to him about himself. I also want to feel like people can come to me to talk about how they're doing and not feel like a burden or annoying or anything. Basically, I want to talk to you guys. I know I can, and I have, and you haven't gone anywhere, but I'm gonna be trying harder now I guess. I guess what I'm saying is that I miss you guys, it honestly doesn't take much to make me feel lonely, and college whatever doesn't help. You guys have honestly been great, but I miss hanging out and going to parties and spending time with you all and just having fun, and the whole senior year thing is making me feel extra pressure with all that. I'd just like to hang out with more people than B during my weekends I guess. Sorry if this hasn't really gone anywhere, I wasn't sure if I was gonna post anything, but I figure I'd give you all something to read since I didn't really have anywhere else to vent about this stuff. Anyway, who wants to hear funny stories about B and me? No one? Too bad.
II. Boys
So I managed to actually do something rebellious! I snuck into a boys house when his parents were out. I like B a lot, but he is a nervous wreck sometimes, so he was hilariously nervous the whole time I was there. I laughed a little too much at how he didn't know what to say and how he really wanted to kiss me and how scared he was that his parents would come home. I kissed him later in my basement. We were watching Thor. We kissed a bit more and went back to the movie. At the point where Thor smashes the rainbow bridge with his hammer and Loki falls off into space I mumbled "bye Loki". B whispered "I love you to". It was one of the most awkward and funniest things that ever happened to me and I feel bad but also don't because it's just so hilarious and awkward and bad. I have issues with I love you, because I don't really know if I love him. That word is hard for me, of course, because the first thing my first said after he took advantage of me was "do you have anything to say?? How about I love you?" and I said it to him and I didn't mean it and now I can't say it and idk if it's because I don't love him or because I just can't say the word at all. I do like B a lot and he makes me so happy but sometimes I get scared. I sometimes realize how small he is in the things he says and the way he thinks, besides the fact that I can say that I made out with a 15 year old in my basement, which is super creepy. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm doing this now, I'm happy, and I feel like he is the right person to have a healthy first relationship with. I feel in control. I know he's kind and sweet. He likes me a lot (too much?) and I am grateful to have this, I'm just not sure where I see this going. So for now, I don't think I'm going to think about it too much because if I do I get weird and scared and sad. Of course, there's always the background noise of being scared of people "finding out" and being judgmental of me, which I know shouldn't worry me, but it does because I care way too much what other people think of me. I'm also maybe kinda still figuring out my sexuality? Am I more gay than I thought? Again, I know the label doesn't mean anything and I should just like who I like and leave it at that, but the desire to make everything neat and packed away in nice little boxes is a constant scratching in the back of my mind.
Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening to my rambles, thanks for being there for me, I hope you all are well. Stay tuned later this week, I'm planning to post my stream of consciousness essay. I encourage you to do the same, I'd love to hear what you've written if you feel comfortable!
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Confidence
I drive myself crazy with negative thoughts. The stress starts flowing and suddenly I am the fattest, ugliest, stupidest girl who is definitely never getting into college and will never have a boyfriend. I sulk around these thoughts, swimming between islands of negativity and solitude, screaming for acceptance, and mourning in my teenage angst the apparent loss of childhood. 95% of the time I am being melodramatic. But the negativity still steeps through my soul, slowly invading every nook and cranny of my being. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be able to love myself, to portray confidence, to shine bright with optimism and pride. I want to banish the dark thoughts and flush them out with acceptance and self-love. I know that if I can do that, the rest will follow. People will be happier to be around me. I might be able to spread my confidence and make them feel better about themselves. Starting now, I will take more risks, and not be cripplingly afraid of failure. I just need to find my voice. I need to be confident in who I am. I need to remember that I am not alone. I will take a deep breath and face the challenges before me. I am going to work hard, but not forget to take care of myself. I will try to love more, to accept more. I will remember what is important to me, and make sure to always keep it in mind. I will try my very best to not care what others think of me. I will not only make it through this year, I will LIVE this year, I will make it count.
I WILL STOP WHINING I WILL BE BRAVE I WILL BE KIND I WILL WORK HARD I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL I BURST
I WILL STOP WHINING I WILL BE BRAVE I WILL BE KIND I WILL WORK HARD I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL I BURST
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