Boys and Friends (rambling)

I. Friends

I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. For a while now, over a year, my friends have been sort of split. There's A and H, and a few other seniors who I am close to and have been close to for a long time. I love seeing these people and when I talk to them, we can talk forever about anything, and we generally have a strong, deep relationship. However, I don't see you guys as much as I would like to just because you're not always around after school or on the weekends, and I don't see you after school. My other group is Z and the juniors, who I like, and who are around a lot more, but I am not as deeply close to in general. Of course, I love talking and joking and spending time with these people, but there aren't a lot of people in this group I feel fully and completely close to as I do to my older friends. In this way, I often feel split down the middle, like I have all these great friends, but each group isn't 100% fulfilling on their own. This is fine, and I love that all of you are my friends, but occasionally I see a ton of people I call my friends during day, then go home feeling like I never really talked to anyone. Last year, I became really close with Am, because she was someone who was both around frequently and someone I felt very close to. During the summer, she left, and I started seeing more and more of Brian. For a while, he was that friend who wasn't really part of either group (well he kinda is), who I could talk to and also see frequently. But now, we've started being in more of a relationship. This is great of course, and I feel like it's definitely a good thing for me to do right now, but with that relationship changed, in a way, he has exited the realm of being my very close friend to "more" than that, and now I'm sort of at a loss. Because now, without Am or B being the friend that transcends the two groups, I'm stuck in the middle, without anyone I can reliably talk to on a regular basis. This is partly my fault, since I don't always text or communicate with people when I actually need to, and sometimes I don't know which "group" to spend my time with, but it makes me sort of, idk, sad? I mean of course, most days I'm very happy with my friends and everyone and I see people and talk about my life and that's great. But it feels like sometimes I'm on my own, and idk if that's actually a thing that's happening, or I'm just making it out to be worse than it is, but it sorta sucks. I guess a reason I'm posting this now is because today I wanted to talk to someone about B, and what was going on, but I couldn't find anyone who I really wanted to talk to about it around, and I didn't really know what to do with myself, because prior to this, the person I always talk to was B, but of course, I can't talk to him about himself. I also want to feel like people can come to me to talk about how they're doing and not feel like a burden or annoying or anything. Basically, I want to talk to you guys. I know I can, and I have, and you haven't gone anywhere, but I'm gonna be trying harder now I guess. I guess what I'm saying is that I miss you guys, it honestly doesn't take much to make me feel lonely, and college whatever doesn't help. You guys have honestly been great, but I miss hanging out and going to parties and spending time with you all and just having fun, and the whole senior year thing is making me feel extra pressure with all that. I'd just like to hang out with more people than B during my weekends I guess. Sorry if this hasn't really gone anywhere, I wasn't sure if I was gonna post anything, but I figure I'd give you all something to read since I didn't really have anywhere else to vent about this stuff. Anyway, who wants to hear funny stories about B and me? No one? Too bad.

II. Boys

So I managed to actually do something rebellious! I snuck into a boys house when his parents were out. I like B a lot, but he is a nervous wreck sometimes, so he was hilariously nervous the whole time I was there. I laughed a little too much at how he didn't know what to say and how he really wanted to kiss me and how scared he was that his parents would come home. I kissed him later in my basement. We were watching Thor. We kissed a bit more and went back to the movie. At the point where Thor smashes the rainbow bridge with his hammer and Loki falls off into space I mumbled "bye Loki". B whispered "I love you to". It was one of the most awkward and funniest things that ever happened to me and I feel bad but also don't because it's just so hilarious and awkward and bad. I have issues with I love you, because I don't really know if I love him. That word is hard for me, of course, because the first thing my first said after he took advantage of me was "do you have anything to say?? How about I love you?" and I said it to him and I didn't mean it and now I can't say it and idk if it's because I don't love him or because I just can't say the word at all. I do like B a lot and he makes me so happy but sometimes I get scared. I sometimes realize how small he is in the things he says and the way he thinks, besides the fact that I can say that I made out with a 15 year old in my basement, which is super creepy. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm doing this now, I'm happy, and I feel like he is the right person to have a healthy first relationship with. I feel in control. I know he's kind and sweet. He likes me a lot (too much?) and I am grateful to have this, I'm just not sure where I see this going. So for now, I don't think I'm going to think about it too much because if I do I get weird and scared and sad. Of course, there's always the background noise of being scared of people "finding out" and being judgmental of me, which I know shouldn't worry me, but it does because I care way too much what other people think of me. I'm also maybe kinda still figuring out my sexuality? Am I more gay than I thought? Again, I know the label doesn't mean anything and I should just like who I like and leave it at that, but the desire to make everything neat and packed away in nice little boxes is a constant scratching in the back of my mind.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening to my rambles, thanks for being there for me, I hope you all are well. Stay tuned later this week, I'm planning to post my stream of consciousness essay. I encourage you to do the same, I'd love to hear what you've written if you feel comfortable!