Stream of Consciousness Essay

First
I’m so happy here with you. My heart hasn’t slowed since you came to sit down next to me. My mind is screaming for you to push your hand over just the smallest amount so that our hands can be touching and then I can hold your hand and feel your skin and your heartbeat pulsing and the bones the heat. Please just move your hand the smallest bit to the right please just pick up my hand I want you I want to feel you I want to please. Our knees brush slightly and I look up at you, your eyes shining nervously and your lips parted slightly. You look firmly into my eyes and lean in, my heart pounds against my ribcage. My first kiss this is it this is amazing this feels wrong oh my god I hope you think I’m a good kisser I hope you like me I hope I’m pretty enough I hope you like me I hope you like kissing me oh my god my first kiss my first I turn my head away from you, averting my eyes to stare at the screen we’re both pretending to watch. My heart beats faster and I take a deep breath in an attempt to appear calm and collected. I like you so much and I am so happy here with you but I can’t be I can’t let myself again it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you you are the best thing in my life but I can’t it’s not you I swear it’s not. You are so great I want to want you I can’t I can’t please don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t look at me. I can feel your eyes on me I want to meet your gaze but I can’t look you in the eye.
Why can’t I just trust and let myself be happy, why can’t I let someone like me after all this time I’ve finally started to like myself. I’ll only hurt you nothing good could ever come from this don’t touch me I’m a wreck you deserve so much more you deserve a normal girl who can look you in the eye who can commit who can trust. I shudder slightly and lean my head into your shoulder, closing my eyes. you don’t have to I can hear your heartbeat, loud and steady like a throb of energy. You are the sweetest thing, I know you would never hurt me ever you couldn’t. I’ll only hurt you. You kiss me again on the 25th floor landing. I try to seem not disgusted with the spit that leaks from your mouth as you stick your tongue in my mouth for so much longer than I ever wanted, breathing heavy entangled, acne and saliva and attention and fear and lust. You don’t have to do anything.
In the car driving home we joke about Nicholas Cage and lay out our plans for writing, directing, and producing The Worst Movie Ever starring him as every single character. I can’t stop laughing and you can’t stop laughing you’re so beautiful when you laugh. I want to run away with you and live in a cave made of pillows for weeks and weeks until we get bored I want to go everywhere with you I want to hear every thought I want to feel you under my skin and let myself be surrounded by you I want to envelop you and keep you forever but each time you look deep into me I feel sick. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to kiss you in a deep dark closet where no one can see us but I can’t stand the way it feels when you get too close when we come too close when I want to run away and hide deep in a hole where no one will ever find me but I want you still I want you to stay and sit and You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to meet your eyes and not pull away from your hot hot burning hand I want so much but I can’t I can’t don’t touch me please stay please touch me you lied I can’t think straight You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But still I don’t say it. You kiss me my neck my face I don’t say touching my leg my arm my stomach I don’t you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I
No. I’m sorry I just can’t, I like you so much it scares me, I love the way you smile my whole face lights up when you call me I wait all day just to see you for a second I think about you endlessly but I can’t right now maybe I can’t ever I’m not comfortable I’m confused I’ve been hurt I can’t don’t you love me? I wish I could I am so so so sorry I don’t want to hurt you the last thing I want to do is hurt you I want so badly to make you happy to be with you here and now and later but I just can’t it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you I swear honestly you are the best thing in my life I just can’t I can’t please don’t touch me I couldn’t say it Thank you for understanding why I’m so sorry I’m a wreck I wish I could take back my first kiss I wish I could save it and keep it safe and give it to someone who won’t hurt me I wish you weren’t the first i wish you never touched me I wish I never met you I wish I could take it all back why didn’t I just say it I couldn’t say it why didn’t you hear what I was saying screaming shouting please listen please don’t no no no no no no I feel sick when you look at me please don’t hate me don’t touch me I can’t I’m not comfortable I want to be happy I do I just can’t I’m a wreck I loved that you wanted me I love that you are here with me I love that your hand is just inches away from mine I love that you don’t hate me that you listen and understand and care
I’m so ashamed I’m so haunted I see you everywhere I dream about you even now why can’t you leave me alone why won’t you stop please stop just let me be let me move on I want to be happy I just want to be happy but you won’t let me why can’t you let me be I am saying it now I am shouting at you now no please don’t but you don’t hear me I didn’t say it I couldn’t say it. Let me move on let me live free of fear let me live confident strong stop ripping me down stop stealing my worth I am worth more than my first I am worth more than you I made a mistake it’s not my fault it was never my fault it was never my fault it was you all this time and you made me believe it was me it was never my fault. I’m not ok I’m sorry I will be ok someday but for now please stay please stay here with me. Our breathing is soothing and quiet your hand brushes mine and I blush and I smile. I’m not ok but I will be. I hear your heart firm and steady through your chest and clench your shirt in my hand, holding on to this moment, where nothing can hurt me, where I have never been hurt, where I saved my first kiss for you, held onto it all this time for this moment, right here. I’m not afraid.