Boys and Friends (rambling)

I. Friends

I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. For a while now, over a year, my friends have been sort of split. There's A and H, and a few other seniors who I am close to and have been close to for a long time. I love seeing these people and when I talk to them, we can talk forever about anything, and we generally have a strong, deep relationship. However, I don't see you guys as much as I would like to just because you're not always around after school or on the weekends, and I don't see you after school. My other group is Z and the juniors, who I like, and who are around a lot more, but I am not as deeply close to in general. Of course, I love talking and joking and spending time with these people, but there aren't a lot of people in this group I feel fully and completely close to as I do to my older friends. In this way, I often feel split down the middle, like I have all these great friends, but each group isn't 100% fulfilling on their own. This is fine, and I love that all of you are my friends, but occasionally I see a ton of people I call my friends during day, then go home feeling like I never really talked to anyone. Last year, I became really close with Am, because she was someone who was both around frequently and someone I felt very close to. During the summer, she left, and I started seeing more and more of Brian. For a while, he was that friend who wasn't really part of either group (well he kinda is), who I could talk to and also see frequently. But now, we've started being in more of a relationship. This is great of course, and I feel like it's definitely a good thing for me to do right now, but with that relationship changed, in a way, he has exited the realm of being my very close friend to "more" than that, and now I'm sort of at a loss. Because now, without Am or B being the friend that transcends the two groups, I'm stuck in the middle, without anyone I can reliably talk to on a regular basis. This is partly my fault, since I don't always text or communicate with people when I actually need to, and sometimes I don't know which "group" to spend my time with, but it makes me sort of, idk, sad? I mean of course, most days I'm very happy with my friends and everyone and I see people and talk about my life and that's great. But it feels like sometimes I'm on my own, and idk if that's actually a thing that's happening, or I'm just making it out to be worse than it is, but it sorta sucks. I guess a reason I'm posting this now is because today I wanted to talk to someone about B, and what was going on, but I couldn't find anyone who I really wanted to talk to about it around, and I didn't really know what to do with myself, because prior to this, the person I always talk to was B, but of course, I can't talk to him about himself. I also want to feel like people can come to me to talk about how they're doing and not feel like a burden or annoying or anything. Basically, I want to talk to you guys. I know I can, and I have, and you haven't gone anywhere, but I'm gonna be trying harder now I guess. I guess what I'm saying is that I miss you guys, it honestly doesn't take much to make me feel lonely, and college whatever doesn't help. You guys have honestly been great, but I miss hanging out and going to parties and spending time with you all and just having fun, and the whole senior year thing is making me feel extra pressure with all that. I'd just like to hang out with more people than B during my weekends I guess. Sorry if this hasn't really gone anywhere, I wasn't sure if I was gonna post anything, but I figure I'd give you all something to read since I didn't really have anywhere else to vent about this stuff. Anyway, who wants to hear funny stories about B and me? No one? Too bad.

II. Boys

So I managed to actually do something rebellious! I snuck into a boys house when his parents were out. I like B a lot, but he is a nervous wreck sometimes, so he was hilariously nervous the whole time I was there. I laughed a little too much at how he didn't know what to say and how he really wanted to kiss me and how scared he was that his parents would come home. I kissed him later in my basement. We were watching Thor. We kissed a bit more and went back to the movie. At the point where Thor smashes the rainbow bridge with his hammer and Loki falls off into space I mumbled "bye Loki". B whispered "I love you to". It was one of the most awkward and funniest things that ever happened to me and I feel bad but also don't because it's just so hilarious and awkward and bad. I have issues with I love you, because I don't really know if I love him. That word is hard for me, of course, because the first thing my first said after he took advantage of me was "do you have anything to say?? How about I love you?" and I said it to him and I didn't mean it and now I can't say it and idk if it's because I don't love him or because I just can't say the word at all. I do like B a lot and he makes me so happy but sometimes I get scared. I sometimes realize how small he is in the things he says and the way he thinks, besides the fact that I can say that I made out with a 15 year old in my basement, which is super creepy. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm doing this now, I'm happy, and I feel like he is the right person to have a healthy first relationship with. I feel in control. I know he's kind and sweet. He likes me a lot (too much?) and I am grateful to have this, I'm just not sure where I see this going. So for now, I don't think I'm going to think about it too much because if I do I get weird and scared and sad. Of course, there's always the background noise of being scared of people "finding out" and being judgmental of me, which I know shouldn't worry me, but it does because I care way too much what other people think of me. I'm also maybe kinda still figuring out my sexuality? Am I more gay than I thought? Again, I know the label doesn't mean anything and I should just like who I like and leave it at that, but the desire to make everything neat and packed away in nice little boxes is a constant scratching in the back of my mind.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening to my rambles, thanks for being there for me, I hope you all are well. Stay tuned later this week, I'm planning to post my stream of consciousness essay. I encourage you to do the same, I'd love to hear what you've written if you feel comfortable!

Confidence

I drive myself crazy with negative thoughts. The stress starts flowing and suddenly I am the fattest, ugliest, stupidest girl who is definitely never getting into college and will never have a boyfriend. I sulk around these thoughts, swimming between islands of negativity and solitude, screaming for acceptance, and mourning in my teenage angst the apparent loss of childhood. 95% of the time I am being melodramatic. But the negativity still steeps through my soul, slowly invading every nook and cranny of my being. I don’t want this anymore. I want to be able to love myself, to portray confidence, to shine bright with optimism and pride. I want to banish the dark thoughts and flush them out with acceptance and self-love. I know that if I can do that, the rest will follow. People will be happier to be around me. I might be able to spread my confidence and make them feel better about themselves. Starting now, I will take more risks, and not be cripplingly afraid of failure. I just need to find my voice. I need to be confident in who I am. I need to remember that I am not alone. I will take a deep breath and face the challenges before me. I am going to work hard, but not forget to take care of myself. I will try to love more, to accept more. I will remember what is important to me, and make sure to always keep it in mind. I will try my very best to not care what others think of me. I will not only make it through this year, I will LIVE this year, I will make it count.

I WILL STOP WHINING I WILL BE BRAVE I WILL BE KIND I WILL WORK HARD I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL I BURST

melodrama

You know that feeling, when you're laying down and it takes so much effort to breathe because of all the weight pushing down on you? When you feel vaguely like someone's dug out your insides with an ice cream scoop? You open a book but for some unknown reason, elect to stare vacantly instead of getting any work done. You do laundry, anything besides look at college or homework, even when you know you don't deserve a break, you haven't even done anything but sit around and watch tv. You could be working, you could always be working, doing something, anything worthwhile, so why are you starting yet another tv show, is that going to make you more interesting or something, having seen more tv shows than anyone? Being able to quote firefly? Can't even muster the effort to read a freaking book. Look in the mirror. You're hot enough, you'd fuck you, but no one's interested, no one's ever interested, why is that, what is so wrong with you that you leave this school without ever having been on a date? Not that you need that, not that being with someone defines and validates you, you're fine on your own. You're better off waiting for someone worth fucking to come around than latching onto the first single person who looks your way, although if that were to actually happen you're not so sure how your standards would hold up. Complain. That's right, everyone loves to hear it, but what do you even want them to say? Do you want sympathy? Pity? Do you want them to justify your laziness, to give you compliments and attention? Your life is fine, quit whining, there's no reason for you to feel cavernous loneliness and existential doom. You have friends, a stable family, a bright future. You're not depressed or anxious or bipolar. Quit moping, complaining, lying around. Don't be a bitch about this. Everything is going to be fine, unless you keep up with this inactivity and apathy. Everything is easier said than done but that's no excuse to do nothing, no excuse to sit by while the world moves past. Stop talking about it. No one wants to hear it. No one wants to hear that you should definitely stop talking about it and actually do something either. Get going, get started, get active, shake the desire to shroud yourself in blankets and hide away forever, purge the feelings of dread from the pit of your stomach. Forget the times you made a fool of yourself, forget the offhand comments that stung more than they should have, forget how scared you are. Ignore the possibility no one will like you, ignore the possibility you fail all your classes, ignore the possibility all your friends will decide they hate you one day and never speak to you again, ignore the possibility you don't get into college. Breathe. Try to be brave. Imagine you are not alone, believe that someone else has felt all of these things too. Sleep. Laugh. Live. Cry. Feel alive, while you can. Get out of the house. Reach out. And for god's sake, put on some damn pants.

You

You are a true friend
You mean so much to me
I never want to lose that
But sometimes I'm afraid
That you have already slipped away

Questions and Thoughts

Just some whining/rambling, feel free to skip this one

Is it all worth it?
How do I know when the issue isn't that I'm not working hard enough, I'm just not smart enough?
Who's important to me?
Who am I important to?
How do I deal with stress without shutting down and doing nothing?
Where am I going? For real though, what am I doing?
What if everything falls apart?
What if I fail?
What if no one likes me?
Who can I turn to answer these questions?
Why does everything have to change?

Confession

The thing that scares me most of all when thinking about college is the fact that in a year and a half, I am going to be completely on my own. Everything that is comfortable and familiar to me will be gone. Everyone I know will be scattered/far away. I will be plunged into a new, terrifying world where I am a complete stranger to everyone, and I won't know anything. I know it's a while away, but at the same time, it feels so close and impending. I'm so scared.

How are you doing?

Hey guys. How are you doing? What's new, what's going on? Let me know, comment or blog response :)