Yaaaaay feelings!

H-I find you end up posting on days where I was planning on writing, the only difference being I often get lazy or distracted or accidentally go to sleep. I know it’s late, and that you HATE this kind of stuff, but I wanted to let you know that I really admire how brave you are with that post last week, and I really appreciate your openness and honesty. I also wanted to let you know that I love you, you are intelligent, hard working, and beautiful. Also awesome. I figured I’d just get this out of the way on here to spare the awkwardness of doing it in person. Alright, now that you’re done rolling your eyes, on to business!

Sometimes
Sometimes I am a pretty good writer, or somewhat good at science. Sometimes i’m a good friend, responsible, beautiful, or intelligent, and sometimes I’m not much of anything.

(My biggest fear from the future, I’ve realized, is the fear that I’m not good enough at anything to succeed. I fear that my “approximate knowledge of several things” isn’t even close to good enough. I know it’s not true, but it doesn’t make it less scary.)

Sometimes I wish I could fly away and just float around in the clouds for a while, and never have to worry about anything ever again

Sometimes I long for your kisses, like peppermint chapstick, that leave my lips tingling

Sometimes I wish I was still that awkward girl who had never been kissed. Sometimes I wish I could take my first kiss back and save it for someone who won’t hurt me.

Sometimes I think it’d be great if I knew several languages fluently

Sometimes I wish I could help everyone

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so scared of what people thought of me

Sometimes I hate marking my days in poisonous pill packs decorated with birth deformed babies, and red x’s over pregnant women for the sake of achieving a higher level of beauty

Sometimes I’m really sad

Sometimes I’m angry

But mostly I’m just happy to be here.

(Please forgive half-assed repetitive poetry, I have spanish to study for)

This Lady

Reasons I'm in a bad mood today: a teenager's rant
-I almost got us hit by a big truck when i stopped short at a yellow light, and the driver was really angry
-eating out with my family has become unbearable
-my family have become unbearable
-My mom doesn't trust me
-I want to be alone but there's nowhere to go
-T won't stop texting me about how lonely he is (GO AWAY)
-I have a ton of homework and no motivation to do it
-I feel really gross today
-I feel really gross a lot
-At 16, I shouldn't be worried about what I'm doing with my life but I am.
-39 days until I'm not 16 anymore
-I am so crazy scared of growing up
-I'm kinda lonely
Here's hoping tomorrow will be nicer

Figured I'd do another post, since it's been a while. I don't think I have a whole lot to report, besides the fact that I am slowly drying up like a sponge, but figured I'd get a good ramble in because, hey, why not?

-Lets see, starting with music, loving the new xx album, the new cat power is pretty cool too I guess, but mostly not quite my style. I've been filling in the gaps in albums I owned most of the songs too, with Ra Ra Riot and the National, listening to songs I haven't really heard by them, going to do Fleet Foxes next.

-I had a nice talk with H on thursday, and one thing she mentioned was how she's noticing all the "second to lasts". Like how Seniors cry about how everything is their last, but how lots of stuff that's going on for us will only happen once more in our lives, or at least in high school. And it made me remember that next school year is 2014, and we are graduating and leaving and growing and scattering and it's really really scary. I do feel like I've gotten better at dealing with meeting new people and talking to people I don't know and being a bit less self-conscious about interacting with others, but the world is just so big and scary and the future is looming over my head like a huge dark cloud. I feel like I should know what I want from my life, and that people expect me to at least have an idea, but how can I? I'm only 16. I don't really know anything yet.

-School is going pretty ok, I have work, but it's really nothing I can't manage with proper time management (fun, right?) and so far I'm doing better than I was last year in just sitting down and doing my work. So far I haven't had more than 2 hours a night, but we'll see how things go for the rest of this year. As for people, I'm really liking the new girls in our grades, looking forward to getting to know them better (hopefully). I also like being around my friends more, though I honestly wish I could spend more time with some of you (yes, you). I'm a little worried about a couple of people, and don't really know how to proceed, but I'm sure I can work something out, although I'm actually really worried for W.

-I've dealt with issues like A's and my situation before. Situations where I'm unnecessarily upset and they're really sad, and I have anger, bitterness, and sadness towards them, and they have tons of bs and crap going on. What I've learned is sometimes when someone's got a lot of negative stuff going on, and you know you can never even begin to help, the best thing to do is just take a step back, because that person's negativity is going to mess with you, and you aren't helping them by holding resentment. Your negativity feeds off of theirs and you're both miserable. There can be tension, anger, hurt, and that can be really dangerous, and lead to conflict. If you honestly know that there's very little you can do to help, and the person is not receptive to you, it's probably best to take a break. They need time on their own to work things out, and you need time to be away from this situation. Neither of you benefits from a toxic relationship. If they really need you, they will come to you. I've realized this, and it's why I'm going to stay out of all of this, because none of it is my place, even though it feels like it should be, as her friend. But as her friend, I honestly need to take a break. If there's any hope left in us staying friends, it dies if I stay angry.

Revival?

Ohai unkept diary, I suppose it's plain to see how I do with diaries, filling them out religiously for a period, then leaving them for months and years. I've been pondering updating for a while, but finally decided to do it, despite not having anything concrete in my mind to write about, so I apologize in advance for the cluster of half-baked ideas and thoughts. I suppose the main things I've been doing these days is a mixture of enjoying my summer, despite how short it is, wasting my life on the internet, watching tv and youtube videos, worrying about my future, and being generally self-critical/self conscious, which I suppose is to be expected of a teenage girl. If you ask me, I have been spending too much time with my family, but I'll try to enjoy it since I'll only be living like this for 2 more years...only two more years-yikes. Also, they say junior year is the hardest, which makes me more scared than when I actually think about next year, if that makes any sense. Speaking of next year, I got into all the courses I wanted, which is great. Anyone else in modern poetry?

 I'm sure some of you can relate to future related anxiety, if you guys are still out there. I know you all are going through your own stuff, and I'm sorry about all the crap you have to deal with. Dealing with crap is a suckfest, for everyone involved, and I generally try to remember that as much as possible when dealing with other people, especially ones who I know are troubled in one way or another. It's hard sometimes, but I know that when I have issues or stress or whatever, I'm not at my best, and that reminds me not to judge too harshly, and to be patient and as understanding as possible. Idk why I'm saying all this actually, but I'm sorry if I forget this and lose my patience. I care about my friends a lot, and I just want to see everyone happy, which I realize is not always possible. Please take care of yourselves. I can't stress that enough. I'm working on that personally, so I realize how easy it is to forget that. You're awesome. All of you, and you have no reason to believe otherwise. You may have things you want to change or work on in yourselves, but that doesn't make you any less amazing. It makes you just like every other human. Don't sweat the small stuff, and for the big stuff, don't be afraid to ask for help. I know you're not supposed to offer advice you weren't asked for, but I feel like I need these reminders as well.

 Again, I apologize for the shoddiness of this post, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things. Better things to come?

Songs of the moment:Sim Sala Bim and Ivy and Gold

Everyone is a hipster

Well, not the city dwelling, arrogant, tattooed college student. I'm talking about the mentality of "liking things before they were cool," and becoming annoyed when suddenly everyone seems to like that thing that only they used to like. Everyone's done this at some point in their life, whether it was over a certain song, type of music or band, a style or type of fashion, or even a hobby/certain activity. I most recently felt this way when I heard a song I really liked on the radio, which should be a good thing, but in a way, I felt annoyed that a "good" song would be played with some of the crap out there today. Instead of enjoying a song that I liked, I jumped to the idea that I would like it less now that millions of people also knew it and would be singing it and playing it at parties. I guess the way I see it, is that the music I enjoy isn't generally well known, and I don't often encounter people with the same music tastes as me outside my group of friends. To be honest, my music taste isn't even that obscure, it's just different enough that not a lot of people are familiar with what I listen to. This can be annoying sometimes, like when I'm trying to talk to others about music, but we're on two different pages. Having a slightly different taste in music does gives me a sense that in a way, I am unique, special, my music is quirky and I'm the only one in the world who likes it, even though I know there are tons of people out there that listen to and enjoy the same stuff I do. I guess everyone gets that way though, everyone has that thing that they feel puts them apart from the public, makes them who they are, and when that thing, whatever it is, is spread among the masses, whether it becomes trendy or hits the music charts, instead of feeling happy that the things they love are becoming loved and shared by others, they feel like they're less special now, and the thing that used to make them unique, now just makes them another face in the crowd. It seems to me that hipsters have formed a culture out of this, trying to gather as much obscurity as possible, to make themselves as unique as they can. This sort of corrupts the point of having your own "thing" since their thing is really just finding of new, more obscure "things". In conclusion, not everyone is a hipster, hipsters just take what everything does, and tries to market it to be unique.

Alright, done trying to sound smart. See you all soon!

My life, as of now (faux philosophical)

I am currently messing around on the internet (Yay for reddit!) while a thunderstorms rages outside. It's that point in the summer where you're clinging to the last threads of summer as it slowly slips from your fingers. I'd much rather just have summer for the next few months instead of school. I mean, school has friends and some cool classes but there's work and actually doing stuff and I just want to sleep and waste time doing stuff I like. Then again, we are some of the lucky ones, we're still young, in the very beginning of our adulthood (Drivers ed in september!) and we're still figuring stuff out and learning how the world works. We have a huge amount of free time and for now anyway, the expectations put on us are nowhere near as bad as they will be. I've been thinking a lot about how great it is to be young, because I feel like that's not something people usually do until they're old. Of course, each part of life comes with great new experiences, but as we gain freedom and independence, we also gain responsibility. This is the time when we can do what we want with few(er) repercussions. We can screw stuff up and experiment without it having a major impact on our lives. We can have fun and still leech off of our parents. Also, no taxes! So yeah, college will be fun and being a grownup and having a family will be great, but I'm pretty content with the way things are right now, and I'm going to enjoy this part of my life and try not to be too sad to leave it.