“tomorrow is gonna be one of those mornings where you’re just walking around like ‘you have no fucking idea’”.
I want to go everywhere with her
Hold her hand kiss her neck claw at her back bite her lip
I want to melt into her, be enveloped in her arms, become as close as humanly possible
I have this habit of telling my significant others they’d be hot as a different gender and it always makes them kinda uncomfy lol whoops
Sometimes I think I’m gay, but by the time I try the label on myself, it feels so wrong and sad and limited so I know it’s wrong
Em said that’s the same way she knows she’s cis, despite not feeling comfortable with conventional femininity/gender roles, and questioning in the past. For her, femininity is uncomfortable, but claiming they/he feels more wrong. I guess in some ways it’s easier to know what you’re not.
T said if you’re questioning/unsure about your gender it’s probably ok to identify as not cis, since cis people typically don’t spend ages agonizing about what gender they are. This makes sense to me, but I’m cis so Idk I’m not trying to speak out of knowledge/personal experience. I guess I’m just trying to get a better understanding.
Gender is fucked anyway tho I know that much at least ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
She told me about how she told her doctor she was in a dark place and thought she needed help during her equivalent of junior year. He told her it’s normal for young women to feel bad during their time of the month, and to practice breathing exercises. She thought it was funny cuz coming out and saying it, she already felt like she was attention-seeking and like her emotions weren’t valid and he confirmed those fears in the worst possible way. Isn’t it cool how it’s so hard to be a teenage girl and then on top of that no one takes you seriously?
I went to see Fun Home with her on Broadway. I saw the actress who played Alison Bechdel on the way out, stared blankly at her. She said “hey”. I said “.......HEY!” and ran off. I didn't even ask for a picture or an autograph. Em and I laughed for ages
Sunday night I ate indian food and watched kpop videos for over an hour with A and M. Then Em and I watched anime and ate ice cream for the rest of the night.
I smoke weed with her, something I never saw myself doing. I don’t think I’d have any desire to do it without her, but I don’t dislike it as much as the first two times I smoked, or as much as I thought of myself disliking it, which has caused some cognitive dissonance. When it’s not good, it’s like I thought it would be, boring/mildly uncomfortable in the way it makes me feel like not myself. At it’s worst it made me feel like my heart was breaking. But when it’s good it just amplifies my feelings of love. I feel warm and comfortable all over, just so happy. She looks so beautiful and I can’t look directly at her, like staring at the sun. Touching her and being touched feels soft and electric, it goes on and on and on. Honestly, it feels like that already though, it's just to a whole other degree when we're high. There's a part of me that feels guilty for enjoying it so much.
Things I bought since turning 20: ~100$ worth of food, skin cream+essence, powder, calvin klein underwear, a book of shakespearean insults for my brother, a star map, a glass dildo, almond milk, mini wheats, rum, old spice deodorant, Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman
"There’s a place I want to take you...
...I’ll go anywhere you want me to"
Update as of 2016: Em def isn't cis! Still incredible uncomfortable with traditional femininity, would prefer more masculine features, but not currently interested in changing pronouns/coming out/pursuing hormone therapy
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