First
I’m so happy here with you. My heart hasn’t slowed since you came to sit down next to me. My mind is screaming for you to push your hand over just the smallest amount so that our hands can be touching and then I can hold your hand and feel your skin and your heartbeat pulsing and the bones the heat. Please just move your hand the smallest bit to the right please just pick up my hand I want you I want to feel you I want to please. Our knees brush slightly and I look up at you, your eyes shining nervously and your lips parted slightly. You look firmly into my eyes and lean in, my heart pounds against my ribcage. My first kiss this is it this is amazing this feels wrong oh my god I hope you think I’m a good kisser I hope you like me I hope I’m pretty enough I hope you like me I hope you like kissing me oh my god my first kiss my first I turn my head away from you, averting my eyes to stare at the screen we’re both pretending to watch. My heart beats faster and I take a deep breath in an attempt to appear calm and collected. I like you so much and I am so happy here with you but I can’t be I can’t let myself again it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you you are the best thing in my life but I can’t it’s not you I swear it’s not. You are so great I want to want you I can’t I can’t please don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t look at me. I can feel your eyes on me I want to meet your gaze but I can’t look you in the eye.
Why can’t I just trust and let myself be happy, why can’t I let someone like me after all this time I’ve finally started to like myself. I’ll only hurt you nothing good could ever come from this don’t touch me I’m a wreck you deserve so much more you deserve a normal girl who can look you in the eye who can commit who can trust. I shudder slightly and lean my head into your shoulder, closing my eyes. you don’t have to I can hear your heartbeat, loud and steady like a throb of energy. You are the sweetest thing, I know you would never hurt me ever you couldn’t. I’ll only hurt you. You kiss me again on the 25th floor landing. I try to seem not disgusted with the spit that leaks from your mouth as you stick your tongue in my mouth for so much longer than I ever wanted, breathing heavy entangled, acne and saliva and attention and fear and lust. You don’t have to do anything.
In the car driving home we joke about Nicholas Cage and lay out our plans for writing, directing, and producing The Worst Movie Ever starring him as every single character. I can’t stop laughing and you can’t stop laughing you’re so beautiful when you laugh. I want to run away with you and live in a cave made of pillows for weeks and weeks until we get bored I want to go everywhere with you I want to hear every thought I want to feel you under my skin and let myself be surrounded by you I want to envelop you and keep you forever but each time you look deep into me I feel sick. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to kiss you in a deep dark closet where no one can see us but I can’t stand the way it feels when you get too close when we come too close when I want to run away and hide deep in a hole where no one will ever find me but I want you still I want you to stay and sit and You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I want to meet your eyes and not pull away from your hot hot burning hand I want so much but I can’t I can’t don’t touch me please stay please touch me you lied I can’t think straight You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But still I don’t say it. You kiss me my neck my face I don’t say touching my leg my arm my stomach I don’t you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to I
No. I’m sorry I just can’t, I like you so much it scares me, I love the way you smile my whole face lights up when you call me I wait all day just to see you for a second I think about you endlessly but I can’t right now maybe I can’t ever I’m not comfortable I’m confused I’ve been hurt I can’t don’t you love me? I wish I could I am so so so sorry I don’t want to hurt you the last thing I want to do is hurt you I want so badly to make you happy to be with you here and now and later but I just can’t it’s not you there is nothing wrong with you I swear honestly you are the best thing in my life I just can’t I can’t please don’t touch me I couldn’t say it Thank you for understanding why I’m so sorry I’m a wreck I wish I could take back my first kiss I wish I could save it and keep it safe and give it to someone who won’t hurt me I wish you weren’t the first i wish you never touched me I wish I never met you I wish I could take it all back why didn’t I just say it I couldn’t say it why didn’t you hear what I was saying screaming shouting please listen please don’t no no no no no no I feel sick when you look at me please don’t hate me don’t touch me I can’t I’m not comfortable I want to be happy I do I just can’t I’m a wreck I loved that you wanted me I love that you are here with me I love that your hand is just inches away from mine I love that you don’t hate me that you listen and understand and care
I’m so ashamed I’m so haunted I see you everywhere I dream about you even now why can’t you leave me alone why won’t you stop please stop just let me be let me move on I want to be happy I just want to be happy but you won’t let me why can’t you let me be I am saying it now I am shouting at you now no please don’t but you don’t hear me I didn’t say it I couldn’t say it. Let me move on let me live free of fear let me live confident strong stop ripping me down stop stealing my worth I am worth more than my first I am worth more than you I made a mistake it’s not my fault it was never my fault it was never my fault it was you all this time and you made me believe it was me it was never my fault. I’m not ok I’m sorry I will be ok someday but for now please stay please stay here with me. Our breathing is soothing and quiet your hand brushes mine and I blush and I smile. I’m not ok but I will be. I hear your heart firm and steady through your chest and clench your shirt in my hand, holding on to this moment, where nothing can hurt me, where I have never been hurt, where I saved my first kiss for you, held onto it all this time for this moment, right here. I’m not afraid.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Boys and Friends (rambling)
I. Friends
I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. For a while now, over a year, my friends have been sort of split. There's A and H, and a few other seniors who I am close to and have been close to for a long time. I love seeing these people and when I talk to them, we can talk forever about anything, and we generally have a strong, deep relationship. However, I don't see you guys as much as I would like to just because you're not always around after school or on the weekends, and I don't see you after school. My other group is Z and the juniors, who I like, and who are around a lot more, but I am not as deeply close to in general. Of course, I love talking and joking and spending time with these people, but there aren't a lot of people in this group I feel fully and completely close to as I do to my older friends. In this way, I often feel split down the middle, like I have all these great friends, but each group isn't 100% fulfilling on their own. This is fine, and I love that all of you are my friends, but occasionally I see a ton of people I call my friends during day, then go home feeling like I never really talked to anyone. Last year, I became really close with Am, because she was someone who was both around frequently and someone I felt very close to. During the summer, she left, and I started seeing more and more of Brian. For a while, he was that friend who wasn't really part of either group (well he kinda is), who I could talk to and also see frequently. But now, we've started being in more of a relationship. This is great of course, and I feel like it's definitely a good thing for me to do right now, but with that relationship changed, in a way, he has exited the realm of being my very close friend to "more" than that, and now I'm sort of at a loss. Because now, without Am or B being the friend that transcends the two groups, I'm stuck in the middle, without anyone I can reliably talk to on a regular basis. This is partly my fault, since I don't always text or communicate with people when I actually need to, and sometimes I don't know which "group" to spend my time with, but it makes me sort of, idk, sad? I mean of course, most days I'm very happy with my friends and everyone and I see people and talk about my life and that's great. But it feels like sometimes I'm on my own, and idk if that's actually a thing that's happening, or I'm just making it out to be worse than it is, but it sorta sucks. I guess a reason I'm posting this now is because today I wanted to talk to someone about B, and what was going on, but I couldn't find anyone who I really wanted to talk to about it around, and I didn't really know what to do with myself, because prior to this, the person I always talk to was B, but of course, I can't talk to him about himself. I also want to feel like people can come to me to talk about how they're doing and not feel like a burden or annoying or anything. Basically, I want to talk to you guys. I know I can, and I have, and you haven't gone anywhere, but I'm gonna be trying harder now I guess. I guess what I'm saying is that I miss you guys, it honestly doesn't take much to make me feel lonely, and college whatever doesn't help. You guys have honestly been great, but I miss hanging out and going to parties and spending time with you all and just having fun, and the whole senior year thing is making me feel extra pressure with all that. I'd just like to hang out with more people than B during my weekends I guess. Sorry if this hasn't really gone anywhere, I wasn't sure if I was gonna post anything, but I figure I'd give you all something to read since I didn't really have anywhere else to vent about this stuff. Anyway, who wants to hear funny stories about B and me? No one? Too bad.
II. Boys
So I managed to actually do something rebellious! I snuck into a boys house when his parents were out. I like B a lot, but he is a nervous wreck sometimes, so he was hilariously nervous the whole time I was there. I laughed a little too much at how he didn't know what to say and how he really wanted to kiss me and how scared he was that his parents would come home. I kissed him later in my basement. We were watching Thor. We kissed a bit more and went back to the movie. At the point where Thor smashes the rainbow bridge with his hammer and Loki falls off into space I mumbled "bye Loki". B whispered "I love you to". It was one of the most awkward and funniest things that ever happened to me and I feel bad but also don't because it's just so hilarious and awkward and bad. I have issues with I love you, because I don't really know if I love him. That word is hard for me, of course, because the first thing my first said after he took advantage of me was "do you have anything to say?? How about I love you?" and I said it to him and I didn't mean it and now I can't say it and idk if it's because I don't love him or because I just can't say the word at all. I do like B a lot and he makes me so happy but sometimes I get scared. I sometimes realize how small he is in the things he says and the way he thinks, besides the fact that I can say that I made out with a 15 year old in my basement, which is super creepy. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm doing this now, I'm happy, and I feel like he is the right person to have a healthy first relationship with. I feel in control. I know he's kind and sweet. He likes me a lot (too much?) and I am grateful to have this, I'm just not sure where I see this going. So for now, I don't think I'm going to think about it too much because if I do I get weird and scared and sad. Of course, there's always the background noise of being scared of people "finding out" and being judgmental of me, which I know shouldn't worry me, but it does because I care way too much what other people think of me. I'm also maybe kinda still figuring out my sexuality? Am I more gay than I thought? Again, I know the label doesn't mean anything and I should just like who I like and leave it at that, but the desire to make everything neat and packed away in nice little boxes is a constant scratching in the back of my mind.
Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening to my rambles, thanks for being there for me, I hope you all are well. Stay tuned later this week, I'm planning to post my stream of consciousness essay. I encourage you to do the same, I'd love to hear what you've written if you feel comfortable!
I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. For a while now, over a year, my friends have been sort of split. There's A and H, and a few other seniors who I am close to and have been close to for a long time. I love seeing these people and when I talk to them, we can talk forever about anything, and we generally have a strong, deep relationship. However, I don't see you guys as much as I would like to just because you're not always around after school or on the weekends, and I don't see you after school. My other group is Z and the juniors, who I like, and who are around a lot more, but I am not as deeply close to in general. Of course, I love talking and joking and spending time with these people, but there aren't a lot of people in this group I feel fully and completely close to as I do to my older friends. In this way, I often feel split down the middle, like I have all these great friends, but each group isn't 100% fulfilling on their own. This is fine, and I love that all of you are my friends, but occasionally I see a ton of people I call my friends during day, then go home feeling like I never really talked to anyone. Last year, I became really close with Am, because she was someone who was both around frequently and someone I felt very close to. During the summer, she left, and I started seeing more and more of Brian. For a while, he was that friend who wasn't really part of either group (well he kinda is), who I could talk to and also see frequently. But now, we've started being in more of a relationship. This is great of course, and I feel like it's definitely a good thing for me to do right now, but with that relationship changed, in a way, he has exited the realm of being my very close friend to "more" than that, and now I'm sort of at a loss. Because now, without Am or B being the friend that transcends the two groups, I'm stuck in the middle, without anyone I can reliably talk to on a regular basis. This is partly my fault, since I don't always text or communicate with people when I actually need to, and sometimes I don't know which "group" to spend my time with, but it makes me sort of, idk, sad? I mean of course, most days I'm very happy with my friends and everyone and I see people and talk about my life and that's great. But it feels like sometimes I'm on my own, and idk if that's actually a thing that's happening, or I'm just making it out to be worse than it is, but it sorta sucks. I guess a reason I'm posting this now is because today I wanted to talk to someone about B, and what was going on, but I couldn't find anyone who I really wanted to talk to about it around, and I didn't really know what to do with myself, because prior to this, the person I always talk to was B, but of course, I can't talk to him about himself. I also want to feel like people can come to me to talk about how they're doing and not feel like a burden or annoying or anything. Basically, I want to talk to you guys. I know I can, and I have, and you haven't gone anywhere, but I'm gonna be trying harder now I guess. I guess what I'm saying is that I miss you guys, it honestly doesn't take much to make me feel lonely, and college whatever doesn't help. You guys have honestly been great, but I miss hanging out and going to parties and spending time with you all and just having fun, and the whole senior year thing is making me feel extra pressure with all that. I'd just like to hang out with more people than B during my weekends I guess. Sorry if this hasn't really gone anywhere, I wasn't sure if I was gonna post anything, but I figure I'd give you all something to read since I didn't really have anywhere else to vent about this stuff. Anyway, who wants to hear funny stories about B and me? No one? Too bad.
II. Boys
So I managed to actually do something rebellious! I snuck into a boys house when his parents were out. I like B a lot, but he is a nervous wreck sometimes, so he was hilariously nervous the whole time I was there. I laughed a little too much at how he didn't know what to say and how he really wanted to kiss me and how scared he was that his parents would come home. I kissed him later in my basement. We were watching Thor. We kissed a bit more and went back to the movie. At the point where Thor smashes the rainbow bridge with his hammer and Loki falls off into space I mumbled "bye Loki". B whispered "I love you to". It was one of the most awkward and funniest things that ever happened to me and I feel bad but also don't because it's just so hilarious and awkward and bad. I have issues with I love you, because I don't really know if I love him. That word is hard for me, of course, because the first thing my first said after he took advantage of me was "do you have anything to say?? How about I love you?" and I said it to him and I didn't mean it and now I can't say it and idk if it's because I don't love him or because I just can't say the word at all. I do like B a lot and he makes me so happy but sometimes I get scared. I sometimes realize how small he is in the things he says and the way he thinks, besides the fact that I can say that I made out with a 15 year old in my basement, which is super creepy. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm doing this now, I'm happy, and I feel like he is the right person to have a healthy first relationship with. I feel in control. I know he's kind and sweet. He likes me a lot (too much?) and I am grateful to have this, I'm just not sure where I see this going. So for now, I don't think I'm going to think about it too much because if I do I get weird and scared and sad. Of course, there's always the background noise of being scared of people "finding out" and being judgmental of me, which I know shouldn't worry me, but it does because I care way too much what other people think of me. I'm also maybe kinda still figuring out my sexuality? Am I more gay than I thought? Again, I know the label doesn't mean anything and I should just like who I like and leave it at that, but the desire to make everything neat and packed away in nice little boxes is a constant scratching in the back of my mind.
Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for listening to my rambles, thanks for being there for me, I hope you all are well. Stay tuned later this week, I'm planning to post my stream of consciousness essay. I encourage you to do the same, I'd love to hear what you've written if you feel comfortable!
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