So I've been a little extra overwhelmed, stressy, grumpy, whiny, bratty, and a whole bunch of undesirable adjectives lately, specifically towards my family, but it probably gets into my social life also so first I wanna say: sorry. I just thought in the midst of all this, it might be helpful to take a moment to list the things I'm thankful for rather than dwell on the petty things I don't have or want to have or wish to change.
- living, unseparated family
-a loving and caring sister
-an intelligent brother
-my mom
-my dad who is supportive and always wants me to try my hardest for the sake of learning itself
-for my amazing friends, in good and bad times, who are there for me at my worst as well as my best, and who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world
-Z, who manages to take time out of her crazy life to spend time with the people she cares about and make them happy. She is brilliant and insightful, always with a new way of looking at things
-H, who is wholly kind and caring in everything she does, and who tries to see things rationally and fairly with a high amount of respect. She is happy just to spend a bit of time relaxing and taking a break with me, which I really value
-Am, who has incomparable energy and positivity, who is insanely intelligent, sweet, and loyal
-Av, who takes tragedy, and pain I can't even imagine, and wakes up every day, strong, powerful, resilient, and still just as loving as always, taking time just to talk, listen, and be a friend
-All of my other friends, who make me laugh, smile, and make my life at this school that much better
-The school community
-my school, though trying and challenging at times, has given me opportunities I would not be able to find anywhere else, and has taught me not only to care about the world around me, but also to enjoy it as much as I can
-my home being a safe place
-my future
-chapstick
-coffee
-the internet
-living
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Desire and The National
1.
I've mentioned this to you already, Z, but I kinda just want to write for a while about life and stuff. See, in English class we've been talking about The Great Gatsby in which the super rich live their lives. The character Gatsby isn't born into riches, and he doesn't really fit into the upper class society despite his best efforts. What he does have, and what other characters in this story lack is desire. He has immense desire for Daisy. Not desire in a petty way, but true desire, the longing for something just out of your reach, the type of desire our english teacher describes as "the thing that makes you get up in the morning, the thing you live for". We talked about things you can desire, in Gatsby's case, a girl, but you could also desire a certain career, a college, a lifestyle, and with these things, you are willing to work really hard and sometimes use any means to acuire this.
Every time we talk about this in class, it hits me how I don't really have desire in this sense. There's not one thing I'm really after, not even an idea of something. I don't feel like my life lacks purpose, but I don't feel like it has any goal either. This is something I've always felt, like some people just know what they love doing, they want to do it for the rest of their lives, and they're either really gifted at it or they just work really hard to be good at it. These people have a passion, and I don't feel like I do. I mean, there's stuff I enjoy doing, I find happiness in many things, but I feel directionless sometimes. I get up in the morning, but it's not for one thing. I go to school, and I work well enough, but I don't have any real goals for schools I want to get into by working hard. I'm going to go to college, but I don't really have any one thing I want to get from it in terms of education or degree.
I guess one thing you could take from this is that because of this, I may as well not get out of bed, or try hard in school, or even plan about going to college. But I do anyway. Because I love the people in my life, and look forward to seeing them every day. I look forward to the people I'm going to meet in the future, I look forward to having fun, and falling in love. I guess in the end, I just want to be happy, and I want to be surrounded, like I am now, by people I love. I don't know if that counts as a desire, or a passion, but to me it makes sense. I guess that's what keeps me getting up in the mornings, and keeps me moving forward. I hope that's ok, and I hope the rest will come to me eventually. I guess to a certain extent, no one really knows what they're doing, and I hope there are lots of other people out there who feel like I do. I also hope that I will do ok in the future just going along like I am.
2.
On another note, I'd just like to take a moment to appreciate some of the more insane lyrics of The National. Here's a list of some of the more crazy ones.
1. I'm a birthday candle in a circle of black girls, God is on my side
2. I defend my family with my orange umbrella
3. I was afraid I'd eat your brains, cuz I'm evil
4. I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees
5.Why did you listen to that man? that man's a balloon
6.It's a common fetish for a doting man to ballerina on the coffee table cock in hand
7. Burn yourself alive and join the monster squad
I think I'll do another list of these soon of all the awesome lyrics they have, not all of their songs are this crazy, lots of them are really beautiful and meaningful.
I've mentioned this to you already, Z, but I kinda just want to write for a while about life and stuff. See, in English class we've been talking about The Great Gatsby in which the super rich live their lives. The character Gatsby isn't born into riches, and he doesn't really fit into the upper class society despite his best efforts. What he does have, and what other characters in this story lack is desire. He has immense desire for Daisy. Not desire in a petty way, but true desire, the longing for something just out of your reach, the type of desire our english teacher describes as "the thing that makes you get up in the morning, the thing you live for". We talked about things you can desire, in Gatsby's case, a girl, but you could also desire a certain career, a college, a lifestyle, and with these things, you are willing to work really hard and sometimes use any means to acuire this.
Every time we talk about this in class, it hits me how I don't really have desire in this sense. There's not one thing I'm really after, not even an idea of something. I don't feel like my life lacks purpose, but I don't feel like it has any goal either. This is something I've always felt, like some people just know what they love doing, they want to do it for the rest of their lives, and they're either really gifted at it or they just work really hard to be good at it. These people have a passion, and I don't feel like I do. I mean, there's stuff I enjoy doing, I find happiness in many things, but I feel directionless sometimes. I get up in the morning, but it's not for one thing. I go to school, and I work well enough, but I don't have any real goals for schools I want to get into by working hard. I'm going to go to college, but I don't really have any one thing I want to get from it in terms of education or degree.
I guess one thing you could take from this is that because of this, I may as well not get out of bed, or try hard in school, or even plan about going to college. But I do anyway. Because I love the people in my life, and look forward to seeing them every day. I look forward to the people I'm going to meet in the future, I look forward to having fun, and falling in love. I guess in the end, I just want to be happy, and I want to be surrounded, like I am now, by people I love. I don't know if that counts as a desire, or a passion, but to me it makes sense. I guess that's what keeps me getting up in the mornings, and keeps me moving forward. I hope that's ok, and I hope the rest will come to me eventually. I guess to a certain extent, no one really knows what they're doing, and I hope there are lots of other people out there who feel like I do. I also hope that I will do ok in the future just going along like I am.
2.
On another note, I'd just like to take a moment to appreciate some of the more insane lyrics of The National. Here's a list of some of the more crazy ones.
1. I'm a birthday candle in a circle of black girls, God is on my side
2. I defend my family with my orange umbrella
3. I was afraid I'd eat your brains, cuz I'm evil
4. I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees
5.Why did you listen to that man? that man's a balloon
6.It's a common fetish for a doting man to ballerina on the coffee table cock in hand
7. Burn yourself alive and join the monster squad
I think I'll do another list of these soon of all the awesome lyrics they have, not all of their songs are this crazy, lots of them are really beautiful and meaningful.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
A reminder to future me
Hey, quick post today
Dear future me: I know how easy it is to look back on everything and laugh about how stupid you used to be and how you worried over the dumbest things and how you thought the tiniest things were a huge deal, and I can totally see why you would think that. However, I want you to remember that these feelings are real. No matter how juvenile and silly some of the stuff I'm saying is, at one point, it was meaningful to me, and it mattered. Thank you for respecting that.
Dear future me: I know how easy it is to look back on everything and laugh about how stupid you used to be and how you worried over the dumbest things and how you thought the tiniest things were a huge deal, and I can totally see why you would think that. However, I want you to remember that these feelings are real. No matter how juvenile and silly some of the stuff I'm saying is, at one point, it was meaningful to me, and it mattered. Thank you for respecting that.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Future me
So, I know this is a tough week for a lot of people-miss you H!, and I know some of you are beyond freaked out and stressed, and I'm really sorry about that. I'm happy for now though, because I finally figured out a way of getting the work that needs to be done, actually done. I'm sure you've heard me talk about future me or past me, and it's basically my method of self-motivation. Previously, I would do the bare minimum of work, based on what I felt like doing at the moment, and put off as much as possible. Lately though, I've been pushing myself to do more work when I have time, not so that I can have less work later, but so future me won't have as much work later. I know these are the same thing, but in my mind, this distinction somehow promotes work. It's like instead of working now so I don't have to work later, which isn't very motivating and usually ends up pushing work to the last minute, I'm doing future me a favor by doing my work, and since I don't have an insane amount of work do do in the first place, putting an extra hour or so of work today actually pays off in the long run. Again, I know this is nothing groundbreaking, but I'm just pretty pleased that I finally figured out a way to manage my workload in a productive way, and I hope this will lead to improvement in my grades and a decrease in my stress level. Also, I am beyond pumped for a pottery field trip on my birthday. Have a nice day!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Yaaaaay feelings!
H-I find you end up posting on days where I was planning on writing, the only difference being I often get lazy or distracted or accidentally go to sleep. I know it’s late, and that you HATE this kind of stuff, but I wanted to let you know that I really admire how brave you are with that post last week, and I really appreciate your openness and honesty. I also wanted to let you know that I love you, you are intelligent, hard working, and beautiful. Also awesome. I figured I’d just get this out of the way on here to spare the awkwardness of doing it in person. Alright, now that you’re done rolling your eyes, on to business!
Sometimes
Sometimes I am a pretty good writer, or somewhat good at science. Sometimes i’m a good friend, responsible, beautiful, or intelligent, and sometimes I’m not much of anything.
(My biggest fear from the future, I’ve realized, is the fear that I’m not good enough at anything to succeed. I fear that my “approximate knowledge of several things” isn’t even close to good enough. I know it’s not true, but it doesn’t make it less scary.)
Sometimes I wish I could fly away and just float around in the clouds for a while, and never have to worry about anything ever again
Sometimes I long for your kisses, like peppermint chapstick, that leave my lips tingling
Sometimes I wish I was still that awkward girl who had never been kissed. Sometimes I wish I could take my first kiss back and save it for someone who won’t hurt me.
Sometimes I think it’d be great if I knew several languages fluently
Sometimes I wish I could help everyone
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so scared of what people thought of me
Sometimes I hate marking my days in poisonous pill packs decorated with birth deformed babies, and red x’s over pregnant women for the sake of achieving a higher level of beauty
Sometimes I’m really sad
Sometimes I’m angry
But mostly I’m just happy to be here.
(Please forgive half-assed repetitive poetry, I have spanish to study for)
Sometimes
Sometimes I am a pretty good writer, or somewhat good at science. Sometimes i’m a good friend, responsible, beautiful, or intelligent, and sometimes I’m not much of anything.
(My biggest fear from the future, I’ve realized, is the fear that I’m not good enough at anything to succeed. I fear that my “approximate knowledge of several things” isn’t even close to good enough. I know it’s not true, but it doesn’t make it less scary.)
Sometimes I wish I could fly away and just float around in the clouds for a while, and never have to worry about anything ever again
Sometimes I long for your kisses, like peppermint chapstick, that leave my lips tingling
Sometimes I wish I was still that awkward girl who had never been kissed. Sometimes I wish I could take my first kiss back and save it for someone who won’t hurt me.
Sometimes I think it’d be great if I knew several languages fluently
Sometimes I wish I could help everyone
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so scared of what people thought of me
Sometimes I hate marking my days in poisonous pill packs decorated with birth deformed babies, and red x’s over pregnant women for the sake of achieving a higher level of beauty
Sometimes I’m really sad
Sometimes I’m angry
But mostly I’m just happy to be here.
(Please forgive half-assed repetitive poetry, I have spanish to study for)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Reasons I'm in a bad mood today: a teenager's rant
-I almost got us hit by a big truck when i stopped short at a yellow light, and the driver was really angry
-eating out with my family has become unbearable
-my family have become unbearable
-My mom doesn't trust me
-I want to be alone but there's nowhere to go
-T won't stop texting me about how lonely he is (GO AWAY)
-I have a ton of homework and no motivation to do it
-I feel really gross today
-I feel really gross a lot
-At 16, I shouldn't be worried about what I'm doing with my life but I am.
-39 days until I'm not 16 anymore
-I am so crazy scared of growing up
-I'm kinda lonely
Here's hoping tomorrow will be nicer
-I almost got us hit by a big truck when i stopped short at a yellow light, and the driver was really angry
-eating out with my family has become unbearable
-my family have become unbearable
-My mom doesn't trust me
-I want to be alone but there's nowhere to go
-T won't stop texting me about how lonely he is (GO AWAY)
-I have a ton of homework and no motivation to do it
-I feel really gross today
-I feel really gross a lot
-At 16, I shouldn't be worried about what I'm doing with my life but I am.
-39 days until I'm not 16 anymore
-I am so crazy scared of growing up
-I'm kinda lonely
Here's hoping tomorrow will be nicer
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Figured I'd do another post, since it's been a while. I don't think I have a whole lot to report, besides the fact that I am slowly drying up like a sponge, but figured I'd get a good ramble in because, hey, why not?
-Lets see, starting with music, loving the new xx album, the new cat power is pretty cool too I guess, but mostly not quite my style. I've been filling in the gaps in albums I owned most of the songs too, with Ra Ra Riot and the National, listening to songs I haven't really heard by them, going to do Fleet Foxes next.
-I had a nice talk with H on thursday, and one thing she mentioned was how she's noticing all the "second to lasts". Like how Seniors cry about how everything is their last, but how lots of stuff that's going on for us will only happen once more in our lives, or at least in high school. And it made me remember that next school year is 2014, and we are graduating and leaving and growing and scattering and it's really really scary. I do feel like I've gotten better at dealing with meeting new people and talking to people I don't know and being a bit less self-conscious about interacting with others, but the world is just so big and scary and the future is looming over my head like a huge dark cloud. I feel like I should know what I want from my life, and that people expect me to at least have an idea, but how can I? I'm only 16. I don't really know anything yet.
-School is going pretty ok, I have work, but it's really nothing I can't manage with proper time management (fun, right?) and so far I'm doing better than I was last year in just sitting down and doing my work. So far I haven't had more than 2 hours a night, but we'll see how things go for the rest of this year. As for people, I'm really liking the new girls in our grades, looking forward to getting to know them better (hopefully). I also like being around my friends more, though I honestly wish I could spend more time with some of you (yes, you). I'm a little worried about a couple of people, and don't really know how to proceed, but I'm sure I can work something out, although I'm actually really worried for W.
-I've dealt with issues like A's and my situation before. Situations where I'm unnecessarily upset and they're really sad, and I have anger, bitterness, and sadness towards them, and they have tons of bs and crap going on. What I've learned is sometimes when someone's got a lot of negative stuff going on, and you know you can never even begin to help, the best thing to do is just take a step back, because that person's negativity is going to mess with you, and you aren't helping them by holding resentment. Your negativity feeds off of theirs and you're both miserable. There can be tension, anger, hurt, and that can be really dangerous, and lead to conflict. If you honestly know that there's very little you can do to help, and the person is not receptive to you, it's probably best to take a break. They need time on their own to work things out, and you need time to be away from this situation. Neither of you benefits from a toxic relationship. If they really need you, they will come to you. I've realized this, and it's why I'm going to stay out of all of this, because none of it is my place, even though it feels like it should be, as her friend. But as her friend, I honestly need to take a break. If there's any hope left in us staying friends, it dies if I stay angry.
-Lets see, starting with music, loving the new xx album, the new cat power is pretty cool too I guess, but mostly not quite my style. I've been filling in the gaps in albums I owned most of the songs too, with Ra Ra Riot and the National, listening to songs I haven't really heard by them, going to do Fleet Foxes next.
-I had a nice talk with H on thursday, and one thing she mentioned was how she's noticing all the "second to lasts". Like how Seniors cry about how everything is their last, but how lots of stuff that's going on for us will only happen once more in our lives, or at least in high school. And it made me remember that next school year is 2014, and we are graduating and leaving and growing and scattering and it's really really scary. I do feel like I've gotten better at dealing with meeting new people and talking to people I don't know and being a bit less self-conscious about interacting with others, but the world is just so big and scary and the future is looming over my head like a huge dark cloud. I feel like I should know what I want from my life, and that people expect me to at least have an idea, but how can I? I'm only 16. I don't really know anything yet.
-School is going pretty ok, I have work, but it's really nothing I can't manage with proper time management (fun, right?) and so far I'm doing better than I was last year in just sitting down and doing my work. So far I haven't had more than 2 hours a night, but we'll see how things go for the rest of this year. As for people, I'm really liking the new girls in our grades, looking forward to getting to know them better (hopefully). I also like being around my friends more, though I honestly wish I could spend more time with some of you (yes, you). I'm a little worried about a couple of people, and don't really know how to proceed, but I'm sure I can work something out, although I'm actually really worried for W.
-I've dealt with issues like A's and my situation before. Situations where I'm unnecessarily upset and they're really sad, and I have anger, bitterness, and sadness towards them, and they have tons of bs and crap going on. What I've learned is sometimes when someone's got a lot of negative stuff going on, and you know you can never even begin to help, the best thing to do is just take a step back, because that person's negativity is going to mess with you, and you aren't helping them by holding resentment. Your negativity feeds off of theirs and you're both miserable. There can be tension, anger, hurt, and that can be really dangerous, and lead to conflict. If you honestly know that there's very little you can do to help, and the person is not receptive to you, it's probably best to take a break. They need time on their own to work things out, and you need time to be away from this situation. Neither of you benefits from a toxic relationship. If they really need you, they will come to you. I've realized this, and it's why I'm going to stay out of all of this, because none of it is my place, even though it feels like it should be, as her friend. But as her friend, I honestly need to take a break. If there's any hope left in us staying friends, it dies if I stay angry.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Revival?
Ohai unkept diary, I suppose it's plain to see how I do with diaries, filling them out religiously for a period, then leaving them for months and years. I've been pondering updating for a while, but finally decided to do it, despite not having anything concrete in my mind to write about, so I apologize in advance for the cluster of half-baked ideas and thoughts. I suppose the main things I've been doing these days is a mixture of enjoying my summer, despite how short it is, wasting my life on the internet, watching tv and youtube videos, worrying about my future, and being generally self-critical/self conscious, which I suppose is to be expected of a teenage girl. If you ask me, I have been spending too much time with my family, but I'll try to enjoy it since I'll only be living like this for 2 more years...only two more years-yikes. Also, they say junior year is the hardest, which makes me more scared than when I actually think about next year, if that makes any sense. Speaking of next year, I got into all the courses I wanted, which is great. Anyone else in modern poetry?
I'm sure some of you can relate to future related anxiety, if you guys are still out there. I know you all are going through your own stuff, and I'm sorry about all the crap you have to deal with. Dealing with crap is a suckfest, for everyone involved, and I generally try to remember that as much as possible when dealing with other people, especially ones who I know are troubled in one way or another. It's hard sometimes, but I know that when I have issues or stress or whatever, I'm not at my best, and that reminds me not to judge too harshly, and to be patient and as understanding as possible. Idk why I'm saying all this actually, but I'm sorry if I forget this and lose my patience. I care about my friends a lot, and I just want to see everyone happy, which I realize is not always possible. Please take care of yourselves. I can't stress that enough. I'm working on that personally, so I realize how easy it is to forget that. You're awesome. All of you, and you have no reason to believe otherwise. You may have things you want to change or work on in yourselves, but that doesn't make you any less amazing. It makes you just like every other human. Don't sweat the small stuff, and for the big stuff, don't be afraid to ask for help. I know you're not supposed to offer advice you weren't asked for, but I feel like I need these reminders as well.
Again, I apologize for the shoddiness of this post, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things. Better things to come?
Songs of the moment:Sim Sala Bim and Ivy and Gold
I'm sure some of you can relate to future related anxiety, if you guys are still out there. I know you all are going through your own stuff, and I'm sorry about all the crap you have to deal with. Dealing with crap is a suckfest, for everyone involved, and I generally try to remember that as much as possible when dealing with other people, especially ones who I know are troubled in one way or another. It's hard sometimes, but I know that when I have issues or stress or whatever, I'm not at my best, and that reminds me not to judge too harshly, and to be patient and as understanding as possible. Idk why I'm saying all this actually, but I'm sorry if I forget this and lose my patience. I care about my friends a lot, and I just want to see everyone happy, which I realize is not always possible. Please take care of yourselves. I can't stress that enough. I'm working on that personally, so I realize how easy it is to forget that. You're awesome. All of you, and you have no reason to believe otherwise. You may have things you want to change or work on in yourselves, but that doesn't make you any less amazing. It makes you just like every other human. Don't sweat the small stuff, and for the big stuff, don't be afraid to ask for help. I know you're not supposed to offer advice you weren't asked for, but I feel like I need these reminders as well.
Again, I apologize for the shoddiness of this post, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things. Better things to come?
Songs of the moment:Sim Sala Bim and Ivy and Gold
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