This school year started and ended the same way-with a kiss goodbye. The first was B, and it had come off of a nearly year-long relationship with an expiration date. The last was a girl named E and it came off of a little over a month of hookups that grew to be something more. With B, the expiration date gave everything the month leading up to me going away a sense of heaviness. And our lack of a clean break led to some unpleasantness after I left. With E, it's kind of snuck up on me, just cuz of how close to the end of the year we ended up getting together. (Fun fact, she's the same girl I mentioned seeing making out with another girl at a party in an earlier post) I'm excited to go home and see my family and friends. I can't believe how fast this year has gone and I'm glad to be done with freshman year. It also hasn't quite hit me how long I'm gonna be home for. I'm going to miss my friends here, going to miss the things I like about BMC. I'm really going to miss E. And our relationship is so new and so undefined, I'm not sure where we're going to be in three months. It's gonna be esp hard since she's international. But man, I'm really glad we got to spend the past few weeks together. She's really special and we're gonna try to keep in touch over the summer so idk here's hoping I guess.
Back home I'm gonna get a job (I have interviews ^.^) and try and keep busy. It'll be interesting to hang out with people from high school at parties, but I'm still looking forward to the things already planned as well as any kinda get-togethers that are gonna come up. I'm so excited to spend time with my sister again, and see becky and cassidy. I'm really excited to see you guys. We should get together, go to the beach, party it up. Idk tho it's definitely a weird limbo to be in. 3 months. I'm staying optimistic though, It's going to be a great summer!
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Hey all, I had a bunch of coffee and a lot of thoughts so I’m just gonna drop them here. Not tryna be eloquent, my thoughts are all over the place, and there's no real point to any of them, but putting it all down is rlly therapeutic to me. That’s what this space is for, right?
-I wish I had more queer friends here. It’s a desire I can’t even really explain/justify. In some ways it doesn’t make sense to choose friends based on the only shared quality being the people you find attractive/sleep with. It makes sense of course, in a situation where you feel marginalized for being a queer person, although here I’m not really experiencing that. That’s actually another interesting thing I’ve been thinking about recently. In high school I assumed that I wasn’t experiencing discrimination at all based on my sexual orientation. And of course, I wasn’t. And I knew about microaggressions but they didn’t apply to me, you know? But idk my queerness was definitely invisible. It’s not something I ever hid but it also never came up. Was that an issue that I was assumed to be straight by people I had known all my life? And that brings me to the more pressing issue of family. I remember talking to Z about this over winter break. My dad doesn’t know I’m bi. Or my brother. My cousins should know by now but I’ve never told them, they never asked, and I think they still (hilariously) assume I’m straight. What Z and I were talking about is the way that sexual orientation is so linked to sexuality and how that’s something that you don’t really discuss, straight or otherwise, with close family members. Anyway I guessed I’d just not make a big deal out of it and if/when I ended up dating a girl I’d bring it up at some point. It wasn’t a priority to bring up because I had been single or with a boyfriend. Now though, I’m stuck. I was briefly in a “relationship” with a girl I’d been crushing on for ages, but it ended quickly and didn’t amount to anything. I’m currently “seeing” a new girl right now, and it has the potential to be something more, but again it’s not really real. So these relationships are happening, but since they’re not actually “real”, they’re not something I feel the need to discuss with those close to me. I don’t even really talk about them with the friends. I’m just in this weird kinda place where in some ways, there’s nothing to talk about, but I think it might be nice to have someone who has had experience w girls who I can talk to. Idk though. Like this school is amazing. It’s so queer, and the more time I spend here, the more people I realize aren’t straight. And that has the potential to be comforting to me but at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m “not queer enough” to fit in with them. And I love the friends I have here, they’re great, but it feels like sometimes they get uncomfortable when I talk about girls. One “doesn’t want to know the details”, one assumes I’m interested in getting with a queer mutual friend just cuz I ask about her, one asks me if my attraction is 50/50. It’s nothing outright, this whole situation just seems to have all these undercurrents I can’t name or place that make me feel uncomfortable. It’s a really gross, nebulous feeling that creeps up around the edges whenever my sexuality comes up. And maybe it’s not even that I’m bi, maybe it’s just the fact that college relationships are weird and the ones I’ve had hardly count as relationships.
-On the topic of college relationships, what’s with this desire to be “chill” about everything all the time? Like commitment is such an abstract concept and no one wants to talk about their feelings. Miss Palmero would have a lot to say on this subject.
-I gave my number to a guy after a concert I went to on monday when he found me on twitter and asked if I was “the gorgeous girl standing in front of him”. Of course, that was flattering and pretty smooth, so I’ve been texting him, half cuz he seemed pretty cool, half because I like the attention/flattery. The convos have been hilarious (he’s an english/philosophy double-major who thinks he’s going to be the next James Joyce) and I’ve been telling everyone about them as a not-so-subtle brag. His flirting attempts that are comments on my appearance have got me thinking though. When I was 15, my pubescent self-esteem was so low that I got caught up with the first person to show interest in me. That led, as you know by now, to trauma that wasn’t my fault of course, but that could’ve potentially been thwarted had I not depended so much on some stranger to define my self-worth. In the years since, my self esteem has reached new highs. Which leaves me intrigued when this rando tells me I’m gorgeous and asks me if all the girls at my school are as pretty as me, saying “I’m just being honest”. Of course, the compliments themselves are a bit of an ego boost, but the way he says them gives me the sense that he thinks he is doing me some kind of favor, telling me something I’ve never heard before. The whole “you don’t know you’re beautiful” kinda bullshit. Cuz I do, you know? Makes me think of that post abt girls on the internet responding “I know” to people messaging them telling they’re attractive who then react negatively w something like “lol ur not all that bitch”. Idk none of this is revolutionary stuff, just interesting to think about. I guess I'm just glad to be in a place where I'm not reliant on people like him to make me feel worthwhile and attractive. Cuz then there's this whole sense of obligation to this person. They find u attractive so you better get on that cuz no one else will. Idk. Loving yourself is so important. I always try to tell my sister she's beautiful so when some guy tells her that it's not the first time she's hearing it. And that she doesn't owe anyone anything. Ever.
-I wish I had more queer friends here. It’s a desire I can’t even really explain/justify. In some ways it doesn’t make sense to choose friends based on the only shared quality being the people you find attractive/sleep with. It makes sense of course, in a situation where you feel marginalized for being a queer person, although here I’m not really experiencing that. That’s actually another interesting thing I’ve been thinking about recently. In high school I assumed that I wasn’t experiencing discrimination at all based on my sexual orientation. And of course, I wasn’t. And I knew about microaggressions but they didn’t apply to me, you know? But idk my queerness was definitely invisible. It’s not something I ever hid but it also never came up. Was that an issue that I was assumed to be straight by people I had known all my life? And that brings me to the more pressing issue of family. I remember talking to Z about this over winter break. My dad doesn’t know I’m bi. Or my brother. My cousins should know by now but I’ve never told them, they never asked, and I think they still (hilariously) assume I’m straight. What Z and I were talking about is the way that sexual orientation is so linked to sexuality and how that’s something that you don’t really discuss, straight or otherwise, with close family members. Anyway I guessed I’d just not make a big deal out of it and if/when I ended up dating a girl I’d bring it up at some point. It wasn’t a priority to bring up because I had been single or with a boyfriend. Now though, I’m stuck. I was briefly in a “relationship” with a girl I’d been crushing on for ages, but it ended quickly and didn’t amount to anything. I’m currently “seeing” a new girl right now, and it has the potential to be something more, but again it’s not really real. So these relationships are happening, but since they’re not actually “real”, they’re not something I feel the need to discuss with those close to me. I don’t even really talk about them with the friends. I’m just in this weird kinda place where in some ways, there’s nothing to talk about, but I think it might be nice to have someone who has had experience w girls who I can talk to. Idk though. Like this school is amazing. It’s so queer, and the more time I spend here, the more people I realize aren’t straight. And that has the potential to be comforting to me but at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m “not queer enough” to fit in with them. And I love the friends I have here, they’re great, but it feels like sometimes they get uncomfortable when I talk about girls. One “doesn’t want to know the details”, one assumes I’m interested in getting with a queer mutual friend just cuz I ask about her, one asks me if my attraction is 50/50. It’s nothing outright, this whole situation just seems to have all these undercurrents I can’t name or place that make me feel uncomfortable. It’s a really gross, nebulous feeling that creeps up around the edges whenever my sexuality comes up. And maybe it’s not even that I’m bi, maybe it’s just the fact that college relationships are weird and the ones I’ve had hardly count as relationships.
-On the topic of college relationships, what’s with this desire to be “chill” about everything all the time? Like commitment is such an abstract concept and no one wants to talk about their feelings. Miss Palmero would have a lot to say on this subject.
-I gave my number to a guy after a concert I went to on monday when he found me on twitter and asked if I was “the gorgeous girl standing in front of him”. Of course, that was flattering and pretty smooth, so I’ve been texting him, half cuz he seemed pretty cool, half because I like the attention/flattery. The convos have been hilarious (he’s an english/philosophy double-major who thinks he’s going to be the next James Joyce) and I’ve been telling everyone about them as a not-so-subtle brag. His flirting attempts that are comments on my appearance have got me thinking though. When I was 15, my pubescent self-esteem was so low that I got caught up with the first person to show interest in me. That led, as you know by now, to trauma that wasn’t my fault of course, but that could’ve potentially been thwarted had I not depended so much on some stranger to define my self-worth. In the years since, my self esteem has reached new highs. Which leaves me intrigued when this rando tells me I’m gorgeous and asks me if all the girls at my school are as pretty as me, saying “I’m just being honest”. Of course, the compliments themselves are a bit of an ego boost, but the way he says them gives me the sense that he thinks he is doing me some kind of favor, telling me something I’ve never heard before. The whole “you don’t know you’re beautiful” kinda bullshit. Cuz I do, you know? Makes me think of that post abt girls on the internet responding “I know” to people messaging them telling they’re attractive who then react negatively w something like “lol ur not all that bitch”. Idk none of this is revolutionary stuff, just interesting to think about. I guess I'm just glad to be in a place where I'm not reliant on people like him to make me feel worthwhile and attractive. Cuz then there's this whole sense of obligation to this person. They find u attractive so you better get on that cuz no one else will. Idk. Loving yourself is so important. I always try to tell my sister she's beautiful so when some guy tells her that it's not the first time she's hearing it. And that she doesn't owe anyone anything. Ever.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
"You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone"
20 Spaces I feel content
in no particular order
1. My living room, staring out the huge front window from the couch
2. The kitchen at my grandparent's house, at the counter eating cinnamon toast and drinking coffee in the morning
3. Brooklyn outside my aunt and uncle's house, walking down the streets in the fall weather around thanksgiving
4. In the ocean at the beach, Newport, Jamestown, Block Island, staying in the cold water and rising up and down with the waves
5. Drinking with a group of friends in someone's dorm room before going out
6. Achieving equilibrium underwater while diving, just hovering there in the silence, feeling the weight of each breath
7. On the couch in Z's living room
8. Driving down the backroads on a spring day with the windows wide open and my sister in the passenger seat
9. H's kitchen with the tv on in the background
10. Supreme pizza with my dad and sister and brother sharing a large 3/4 pepperoni 1/4 cheese making commentary on the sports channel playing on tv
11. Walking through the east side of providence and college hill
12. At work in the kitchen chopping vegetables and placing cookies on giant sheet trays
13. At the gym running on the treadmill when the perfect song comes on that makes it impossible to think about stopping
14. Driving down a straight stretch of 295 late at night with the perfect music playing
15. Am's living room in providence, laying on the couch that's both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time
16. The shower back at my house
17. In my bed under the blankets watching a movie
18. On an airplane with a good book
19. In the dining room while my mom is in the kitchen, talking to her through the space between the countertop and cabinets
20. In the passenger seat of my dad's car while he's driving when he mentions he loves me or he's proud of me or he's glad to see me happy
in no particular order
1. My living room, staring out the huge front window from the couch
2. The kitchen at my grandparent's house, at the counter eating cinnamon toast and drinking coffee in the morning
3. Brooklyn outside my aunt and uncle's house, walking down the streets in the fall weather around thanksgiving
4. In the ocean at the beach, Newport, Jamestown, Block Island, staying in the cold water and rising up and down with the waves
5. Drinking with a group of friends in someone's dorm room before going out
6. Achieving equilibrium underwater while diving, just hovering there in the silence, feeling the weight of each breath
7. On the couch in Z's living room
8. Driving down the backroads on a spring day with the windows wide open and my sister in the passenger seat
9. H's kitchen with the tv on in the background
10. Supreme pizza with my dad and sister and brother sharing a large 3/4 pepperoni 1/4 cheese making commentary on the sports channel playing on tv
11. Walking through the east side of providence and college hill
12. At work in the kitchen chopping vegetables and placing cookies on giant sheet trays
13. At the gym running on the treadmill when the perfect song comes on that makes it impossible to think about stopping
14. Driving down a straight stretch of 295 late at night with the perfect music playing
15. Am's living room in providence, laying on the couch that's both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time
16. The shower back at my house
17. In my bed under the blankets watching a movie
18. On an airplane with a good book
19. In the dining room while my mom is in the kitchen, talking to her through the space between the countertop and cabinets
20. In the passenger seat of my dad's car while he's driving when he mentions he loves me or he's proud of me or he's glad to see me happy
Monday, March 23, 2015
blahs
Sooo this semester isn’t going as well as the last for me. It’s just been really lonely. I’m in these 100-level classes that are big and lecture so it’s not at all an environment where I can meet new people or have conversations with anyone. Then I have lunch alone, which I already hated doing. I can deal with it and everything but it’s still such a depressing state, eating alone, you know? Also got some bs girl issues that are prob 30% me not giving up on getting close to avoid getting hurt in the long run and 70% her not being able to handle being in a relationship. And this kinda stuff has just left me feeling so isolated and lonely, esp since I thrive so much on social interaction and was having such a fun time making new friends and flirting and having fun last semester. Anyway, this kinda stress compounded with stress from overeating in the first part of this semester has been causing me to further overeat as a way of just trying to quiet the feelings of anxiety and inadequacy and solitude. My self esteem has just gotten so low compared to how freaking high it was last year and I can’t figure out how to get back there. Thankfully, I’m at a place now where I’m working to control the scarier parts of my eating habits. I’m working to cut desserts and sweets out of my diet cuz A-they’re unhealthy when you eat them every day like I did, and B-they were actually stressing me out, like I would freak out about what dessert I was going to eat and if i could have two or just one or how many in one day is alright and it’s just so much easier and calmer to not have that to deal with. And I’m also working on eating more consciously, the age-old eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. That part is harder. So often I’m full, not even hungry but just have this strong pull to keep on eating once I start, to keep getting up and getting more food. I’m not sure if it’s cuz I don’t want the satisfaction of eating to go away or the stress I’m dealing with wasn’t solved by my meal so I’m trying to eat more as if that will fix it. There’s also this feeling like if I don’t eat a certain food item, I’m never going to have the chance again so I eat as much as I can even if I’m not hungry. The worst days are the ones where I eat until I’m so full I feel sick and strongly feel the desire to make myself throw up to deal with the guilt I feel for all the food I put inside myself. I just hate the dining hall so much, not that the food is bad, but that it’s just all there, all the time and the environment feels so gross in a way I can’t really explain.
I’m just so sick of thinking about all of this, about how I’ve been dealing with food, but it keeps happening so I have to keep checking myself over and over again, trying to think my way out of this. I know that I’m always going to have some kind of stress in my life. If not loneliness or relationship bs, then something else for sure, and that if I don’t change the way I eat in response to stress, this is always going to be an issue even when those aren’t. I also know that I’m getting better. Or working on it at least. It’s not something I can just switch off. I’m going to make more efforts to text people who aren’t my closest friends to see if they’ll eat with me so I don’t have to be alone. I’m going to do my best to eat what feels good to me and stop once I’m satisfied so I don’t spoil that feeling with one of regret. I know that I am worthy and smart and hard working and beautiful, even if I don’t always feel like it. I just need to get out of my head sometimes.
I’m just so sick of thinking about all of this, about how I’ve been dealing with food, but it keeps happening so I have to keep checking myself over and over again, trying to think my way out of this. I know that I’m always going to have some kind of stress in my life. If not loneliness or relationship bs, then something else for sure, and that if I don’t change the way I eat in response to stress, this is always going to be an issue even when those aren’t. I also know that I’m getting better. Or working on it at least. It’s not something I can just switch off. I’m going to make more efforts to text people who aren’t my closest friends to see if they’ll eat with me so I don’t have to be alone. I’m going to do my best to eat what feels good to me and stop once I’m satisfied so I don’t spoil that feeling with one of regret. I know that I am worthy and smart and hard working and beautiful, even if I don’t always feel like it. I just need to get out of my head sometimes.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Expectations v Reality
So this post is going to be a bit whiny, I'm sorry about that in advance, feel free to skip this one.
I was honestly so excited for break. I had these expectations. Going to Washington would be a great time to do fun stuff with the family I love. The second half of break would be a great time to catch up with friends from back home. The reality has been a little less exciting. I know how it sounds complaining about a month of free time, but I'm honestly not having a great time. Washington was two weeks, which is about one week two long. I saw too much of the cousin I hate and not nearly enough of the one I don't. We watched tv and ate, maybe leaving the house to actually do something three times out of the two weeks. I was ready to come back to RI.
The first weekend back was great, I saw some friends and had a fun time. This was followed, however, by a week stuck at home until around 5pm or later when my family, usually just my dad and siblings, would come back, all tired/stressed and take me out to eat at some fast food place. So much time alone has a tendency to put an unhealthy amount of focus on unpleasant memories and feelings that are usually distracted from. I also am starting to doubt the possibility of anything happening between the HC girl and I, we've been talking a lot over break and it's kinda starting to feel like idk either we don't have enough in common or we're both too boring or we're just plain incompatible or something. I'm not sure where we stand or what I want from our relationship and I think she's in a similar place. I should talk to her abt us but honestly idk what could come of it.
My mom's been working too hard. She's miserable and irritable and I hardly see her, which is extra bad because she wasn't in Washington with us. Being stuck at home like this has made me a little crazy, so I was excited today to go into prov with my dad. I ended up hanging out at his office for a few hours while AB hung out with B at blue state then went on a date or a meeting or something until 1 when I went back to school with her to visit. The visit wasn't bad exactly, and I got to see some ppl I've missed, but going back to wheeler has a way of making me feel sad, not in an "i miss this so much" way but more in a "I don't belong here anymore" way and a "this part of my life is over" way. And now I have a little more freedom since it's the weekend but it seems like everyone I could see is busy doing something so I'm stuck at home still not just because I don't have a car but because I have nowhere to go.
I'm sick of reading and watching tv I don't exactly want to go back to school but I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to do something nice during this weekend and the next one but I feel like I can't stand the week in between. This break feels like a waste of time I can't get back.
I was honestly so excited for break. I had these expectations. Going to Washington would be a great time to do fun stuff with the family I love. The second half of break would be a great time to catch up with friends from back home. The reality has been a little less exciting. I know how it sounds complaining about a month of free time, but I'm honestly not having a great time. Washington was two weeks, which is about one week two long. I saw too much of the cousin I hate and not nearly enough of the one I don't. We watched tv and ate, maybe leaving the house to actually do something three times out of the two weeks. I was ready to come back to RI.
The first weekend back was great, I saw some friends and had a fun time. This was followed, however, by a week stuck at home until around 5pm or later when my family, usually just my dad and siblings, would come back, all tired/stressed and take me out to eat at some fast food place. So much time alone has a tendency to put an unhealthy amount of focus on unpleasant memories and feelings that are usually distracted from. I also am starting to doubt the possibility of anything happening between the HC girl and I, we've been talking a lot over break and it's kinda starting to feel like idk either we don't have enough in common or we're both too boring or we're just plain incompatible or something. I'm not sure where we stand or what I want from our relationship and I think she's in a similar place. I should talk to her abt us but honestly idk what could come of it.
My mom's been working too hard. She's miserable and irritable and I hardly see her, which is extra bad because she wasn't in Washington with us. Being stuck at home like this has made me a little crazy, so I was excited today to go into prov with my dad. I ended up hanging out at his office for a few hours while AB hung out with B at blue state then went on a date or a meeting or something until 1 when I went back to school with her to visit. The visit wasn't bad exactly, and I got to see some ppl I've missed, but going back to wheeler has a way of making me feel sad, not in an "i miss this so much" way but more in a "I don't belong here anymore" way and a "this part of my life is over" way. And now I have a little more freedom since it's the weekend but it seems like everyone I could see is busy doing something so I'm stuck at home still not just because I don't have a car but because I have nowhere to go.
I'm sick of reading and watching tv I don't exactly want to go back to school but I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to do something nice during this weekend and the next one but I feel like I can't stand the week in between. This break feels like a waste of time I can't get back.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
College life college girl
So I figure I'm overdue for an update. Also I don't wanna write a paper for English so here I am. Some of this info might be redundant for what I've already told you, but I'm gonna put it down here anyway just to keep track of what's goin on. College has been so much better than I anticipated. I made some really amazing friends right away. I really fit in here. I honestly couldn't be happier with how all of this turned out, especially considering how much stress and grief I gave myself leading up to this. How things ended up with B wasn't ideal, but I'm honestly very happy we ended when we did. I'm also so thankful for the incredible friends I have, old and new, who helped me get through it. I'm reconciling really well with Am, she seems pretty broken up after her breakup with J, so we're talking a lot more than we used to. She sent me some really sweet texts and I hope we get to hang out over break. I'm gonna see Z soon over thanksgiving so that should be super awesome also. As for H and A, I'll have to wait until christmas, but I think it'll be worth the wait. H do you wanna visit school with me? I went back over fall break but it was so close to my breakup and I didn't get to talk to teachers as much as I wanted to. Also we should have a christmas party for sure.
Anyway, continuing with the update. Two of my closest friends here are An and M, they're practically my roommates and they are incredibly sweet, funny, and smart, and I'm so lucky to have them as my friends. Classes are going well, I kinda miss some things about high school but college classes aren't so bad. I'm taking compsci next semester so I'm gonna see how that goes. Idk, The idea of choosing a major freaks me out more than I can say, I honestly have no clue what I wanna do with my life, I'm just thankful I'm not alone in that. I'm just trying not to think abt it too much for now, although it seems like I have so little time in college that I have to make all my time count. Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm in a pretty good place for not knowing what I'm doing, it seems.
I'm also trying out the full extent of my bisexuality here, which pretty much just means flirting a lot with girls. Have I mentioned how much I like flirting with girls? It's so much fun I'm having so much fun with it. Especially since I'm now in an environment where there is a pretty good possibility of the girl being at least bi, haha. Anyway, I guess this wouldn't be a diary if I didn't gush about my newest crush. She doesn't go to BMC, she goes to HC, and she's a sophomore. She's got curly hair and dimples and glasses. This crush is kinda nuts, I haven't had one like this since middle school. I literally can't stop thinking about her. I can't even talk around her I sound like such an idiot. Anyway I think there's a possibility she also has a crush on me and we're working on our bio project together so let's see how things go. If that doesn't work out there's another girl who goes to BMC with me who I think also likes me altho she has a boyfriend??? And then there's this other girl I see at parties a lot who is super cute but I saw her making out with another girl at a party so either she's taken or? Anyway lol like I said things are going pretty well.
Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Thanks for sticking with me. I miss you guys so much, I can't wait until I can see you again. To Z and H, thank you for your bravery and openness irt recent postings. You guys are so strong and I love you so much more than I can say. You mean the world to me and it has been an honor to grow up alongside you. I hope you are well. I wish you health and happiness.
So much love-R
songs of the moment
I'm Different-Hi Suhyun
Talking Backwards-Real Estate
Anyway, continuing with the update. Two of my closest friends here are An and M, they're practically my roommates and they are incredibly sweet, funny, and smart, and I'm so lucky to have them as my friends. Classes are going well, I kinda miss some things about high school but college classes aren't so bad. I'm taking compsci next semester so I'm gonna see how that goes. Idk, The idea of choosing a major freaks me out more than I can say, I honestly have no clue what I wanna do with my life, I'm just thankful I'm not alone in that. I'm just trying not to think abt it too much for now, although it seems like I have so little time in college that I have to make all my time count. Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm in a pretty good place for not knowing what I'm doing, it seems.
I'm also trying out the full extent of my bisexuality here, which pretty much just means flirting a lot with girls. Have I mentioned how much I like flirting with girls? It's so much fun I'm having so much fun with it. Especially since I'm now in an environment where there is a pretty good possibility of the girl being at least bi, haha. Anyway, I guess this wouldn't be a diary if I didn't gush about my newest crush. She doesn't go to BMC, she goes to HC, and she's a sophomore. She's got curly hair and dimples and glasses. This crush is kinda nuts, I haven't had one like this since middle school. I literally can't stop thinking about her. I can't even talk around her I sound like such an idiot. Anyway I think there's a possibility she also has a crush on me and we're working on our bio project together so let's see how things go. If that doesn't work out there's another girl who goes to BMC with me who I think also likes me altho she has a boyfriend??? And then there's this other girl I see at parties a lot who is super cute but I saw her making out with another girl at a party so either she's taken or? Anyway lol like I said things are going pretty well.
Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Thanks for sticking with me. I miss you guys so much, I can't wait until I can see you again. To Z and H, thank you for your bravery and openness irt recent postings. You guys are so strong and I love you so much more than I can say. You mean the world to me and it has been an honor to grow up alongside you. I hope you are well. I wish you health and happiness.
So much love-R
songs of the moment
I'm Different-Hi Suhyun
Talking Backwards-Real Estate
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Nervous Rambling
Hey Guys, Just wanted to get some thoughts out before school starts up again, so much has happened this week, getting college decisions back has made everything so much more real and I am having trouble processing it all so I kinda want to just ramble for a little bit because that helps me sometimes.
I'm scared right now. I'm so so happy with my life, I'm young, I'm confident, I have so much love in my life, and I know my immediate future is really bright. This year I've really learned to love myself, and with that, I've come to allow myself to be loved and be happy. I'm so happy to be alive in this moment, living the wonderful life I'm living, But I'm so so scared. I know I'm not alone too. Just over a month and I will have attended my last wheeler class. In three months I won't be a wheeler student anymore, like I have been for the past 15 years of my life. Everything is about to change, and fast. This year has just gone by so fast, it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. And I hate to think about it of course, because the future is coming whether I worry about it or not, but I just hate this uncertainty. I hate having to make decisions when there is no "right" thing to do, and it's impossible to make everyone happy. I hate having to think about losing meaningful relationships. I hate the idea of leaving home, leaving my family, and living with strangers. And yes, I'm ultimately very lucky that these are the worries and problems I have. But they still make me feel so small and I'm working all the time to reconcile that, to be excited for my future, and be so thankful for everything I have.
I can't stand thinking about B, and what's going to happen to us, and I'm so full of guilt about what I'm doing to him. I'm so happy with him, and he has helped me and given me so much, and I know I have made him really happy. I really do love him, and I don't regret any part of our relationship because it has been really perfect, but we both are in a place where we know the end is coming and it makes things kinda weird and sad and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I had said when I agreed to date him that I didn't want to continue long distance in college. He agreed with me, and my plan hasn't changed, but what has changed is that each day I'm with him, I feel worse and worse about it. I know that it's what I need to do, that we're not both in the right place to make it work out, but I've come to care for him more than I ever thought I could, and leaving him feels so wrong and mean. Even the fact that I've put an "expiration date" on our relationship makes me feel like a total bitch. I do care a lot about him, and being without him isn't going to be easy for me in any way, but there's still a part of me that thinks that moving on is the right thing for me to do, and I feel kind of horrible about it. Of course, it's no good to stay with someone just because leaving them would hurt them, but there's still this fear that I'm never going to be able to find someone as lovely as him again, that I'm making a big mistake leaving him because what if no one loves me the same way again. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense tbh, It's just a bad situation I have to deal with because there's no easy way out. I have to figure out how I really feel and I don't even know, listen to my heart or something? Whatever, how long can I go without dealing with or thinking about this? It just sucks because I'll be sitting right next to him, and I'll feel nostalgic about our relationship even though it's not over, even though it's still happening, I can only live in the moment so much before I start thinking anxiously about the future again. I just want to enjoy the time I have with him, but with everything happening so much and so fast I can't help but feel him slipping away.
Idk that's all for now I guess. Hope you all had a nice break! Sorry for the emotion dump, I am honestly doing pretty well, I'm very happy, and excited for the future, I just have all these worries in the back of my head, and I need to sort through them sooner or late.
I'm scared right now. I'm so so happy with my life, I'm young, I'm confident, I have so much love in my life, and I know my immediate future is really bright. This year I've really learned to love myself, and with that, I've come to allow myself to be loved and be happy. I'm so happy to be alive in this moment, living the wonderful life I'm living, But I'm so so scared. I know I'm not alone too. Just over a month and I will have attended my last wheeler class. In three months I won't be a wheeler student anymore, like I have been for the past 15 years of my life. Everything is about to change, and fast. This year has just gone by so fast, it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. And I hate to think about it of course, because the future is coming whether I worry about it or not, but I just hate this uncertainty. I hate having to make decisions when there is no "right" thing to do, and it's impossible to make everyone happy. I hate having to think about losing meaningful relationships. I hate the idea of leaving home, leaving my family, and living with strangers. And yes, I'm ultimately very lucky that these are the worries and problems I have. But they still make me feel so small and I'm working all the time to reconcile that, to be excited for my future, and be so thankful for everything I have.
I can't stand thinking about B, and what's going to happen to us, and I'm so full of guilt about what I'm doing to him. I'm so happy with him, and he has helped me and given me so much, and I know I have made him really happy. I really do love him, and I don't regret any part of our relationship because it has been really perfect, but we both are in a place where we know the end is coming and it makes things kinda weird and sad and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I had said when I agreed to date him that I didn't want to continue long distance in college. He agreed with me, and my plan hasn't changed, but what has changed is that each day I'm with him, I feel worse and worse about it. I know that it's what I need to do, that we're not both in the right place to make it work out, but I've come to care for him more than I ever thought I could, and leaving him feels so wrong and mean. Even the fact that I've put an "expiration date" on our relationship makes me feel like a total bitch. I do care a lot about him, and being without him isn't going to be easy for me in any way, but there's still a part of me that thinks that moving on is the right thing for me to do, and I feel kind of horrible about it. Of course, it's no good to stay with someone just because leaving them would hurt them, but there's still this fear that I'm never going to be able to find someone as lovely as him again, that I'm making a big mistake leaving him because what if no one loves me the same way again. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense tbh, It's just a bad situation I have to deal with because there's no easy way out. I have to figure out how I really feel and I don't even know, listen to my heart or something? Whatever, how long can I go without dealing with or thinking about this? It just sucks because I'll be sitting right next to him, and I'll feel nostalgic about our relationship even though it's not over, even though it's still happening, I can only live in the moment so much before I start thinking anxiously about the future again. I just want to enjoy the time I have with him, but with everything happening so much and so fast I can't help but feel him slipping away.
Idk that's all for now I guess. Hope you all had a nice break! Sorry for the emotion dump, I am honestly doing pretty well, I'm very happy, and excited for the future, I just have all these worries in the back of my head, and I need to sort through them sooner or late.
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