Don't Gatsby it.

It’s too soon to make generalizations, since there’s only been the two, but it seems like with girls, I do this thing where I get into *something* with her, but lack of communication skills (on her side? Mine?) leaves our relationship super nebulous. I don’t know what “we” are. More troubling, I don’t actually know anything about her and I end up projecting all sorts of stuff onto her to fill in the blanks Gatsby style, so she can’t ever live up to the idea of her I’ve created in my head. I saw this post on Tumblr today, which is what started me thinking about this; it said “absence and lack of communication makes the heart idealize a person and subconsciously twist one’s perception of them into something greater than they really are”. And I’m doing that, I think. With S, the more time I spent w her, the more I saw her as a flawed person as opposed to some ideal other. I realized she wasn’t gonna be right for me. But my relationship w Em is still active and new, which is why there’s so much danger. I think about her so much, but talk to her so little there’s no way I’m not fucking up the distinction between who she is and who I think she is. Like I have this plan, when I get back, I’m gonna hang out w her for a while, then a few days into it, I’m gonna ask her if she wants to go out w me officially, be my gf and all that. But I’m so scared I’m gonna come back and it’s not going to be there anymore. Or that I’ll come back and realize it never was there. Like, I feel pretty confident that she likes me, but the fact is, she never said it. She never said anything really about herself or how she felt, besides the one time she mentioned we didn’t have much time left to be together before summer and one time when she said I was awesome after I made her cum super hard. And like, I’m scared I twisted those and other moments into way more than they are. Like yeah, she kept hanging out w me, even when we weren't doing anything but talking, and she stuck w me after the karaoke incident (lol) but what if she really was just in it for the sex and the company? Idk, like I’ve made up this idea of her being more reserved and quiet, nervous about expressing emotions. That could be true, but also she could just not be at the same place I am in our relationship. Anyway, her not saying much about her feelings contrasts with me, constantly spitting out whatever’s on my mind, just talking and talking, about nothing but also about every feeling that passes through my brain. So when we’ve been texting, it’s always I have a ton to say, which she responds to with less, then we have nothing to say, and the convo ends. Idk how to make it right. Well I do, I know it involves fucking making an effort to communicate, but god-it’s so fucking scary.