melodrama

You know that feeling, when you're laying down and it takes so much effort to breathe because of all the weight pushing down on you? When you feel vaguely like someone's dug out your insides with an ice cream scoop? You open a book but for some unknown reason, elect to stare vacantly instead of getting any work done. You do laundry, anything besides look at college or homework, even when you know you don't deserve a break, you haven't even done anything but sit around and watch tv. You could be working, you could always be working, doing something, anything worthwhile, so why are you starting yet another tv show, is that going to make you more interesting or something, having seen more tv shows than anyone? Being able to quote firefly? Can't even muster the effort to read a freaking book. Look in the mirror. You're hot enough, you'd fuck you, but no one's interested, no one's ever interested, why is that, what is so wrong with you that you leave this school without ever having been on a date? Not that you need that, not that being with someone defines and validates you, you're fine on your own. You're better off waiting for someone worth fucking to come around than latching onto the first single person who looks your way, although if that were to actually happen you're not so sure how your standards would hold up. Complain. That's right, everyone loves to hear it, but what do you even want them to say? Do you want sympathy? Pity? Do you want them to justify your laziness, to give you compliments and attention? Your life is fine, quit whining, there's no reason for you to feel cavernous loneliness and existential doom. You have friends, a stable family, a bright future. You're not depressed or anxious or bipolar. Quit moping, complaining, lying around. Don't be a bitch about this. Everything is going to be fine, unless you keep up with this inactivity and apathy. Everything is easier said than done but that's no excuse to do nothing, no excuse to sit by while the world moves past. Stop talking about it. No one wants to hear it. No one wants to hear that you should definitely stop talking about it and actually do something either. Get going, get started, get active, shake the desire to shroud yourself in blankets and hide away forever, purge the feelings of dread from the pit of your stomach. Forget the times you made a fool of yourself, forget the offhand comments that stung more than they should have, forget how scared you are. Ignore the possibility no one will like you, ignore the possibility you fail all your classes, ignore the possibility all your friends will decide they hate you one day and never speak to you again, ignore the possibility you don't get into college. Breathe. Try to be brave. Imagine you are not alone, believe that someone else has felt all of these things too. Sleep. Laugh. Live. Cry. Feel alive, while you can. Get out of the house. Reach out. And for god's sake, put on some damn pants.

You

You are a true friend
You mean so much to me
I never want to lose that
But sometimes I'm afraid
That you have already slipped away

Questions and Thoughts

Just some whining/rambling, feel free to skip this one

Is it all worth it?
How do I know when the issue isn't that I'm not working hard enough, I'm just not smart enough?
Who's important to me?
Who am I important to?
How do I deal with stress without shutting down and doing nothing?
Where am I going? For real though, what am I doing?
What if everything falls apart?
What if I fail?
What if no one likes me?
Who can I turn to answer these questions?
Why does everything have to change?

Confession

The thing that scares me most of all when thinking about college is the fact that in a year and a half, I am going to be completely on my own. Everything that is comfortable and familiar to me will be gone. Everyone I know will be scattered/far away. I will be plunged into a new, terrifying world where I am a complete stranger to everyone, and I won't know anything. I know it's a while away, but at the same time, it feels so close and impending. I'm so scared.

How are you doing?

Hey guys. How are you doing? What's new, what's going on? Let me know, comment or blog response :)

Thankful for

So I've been a little extra overwhelmed, stressy, grumpy, whiny, bratty, and a whole bunch of undesirable adjectives lately, specifically towards my family, but it probably gets into my social life also so first I wanna say: sorry. I just thought in the midst of all this, it might be helpful to take a moment to list the things I'm thankful for rather than dwell on the petty things I don't have or want to have or wish to change.
- living, unseparated family
-a loving and caring sister
-an intelligent brother
-my mom
-my dad who is supportive and always wants me to try my hardest for the sake of learning itself
-for my amazing friends, in good and bad times, who are there for me at my worst as well as my best, and who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world
-Z, who manages to take time out of her crazy life to spend time with the people she cares about and make them happy. She is brilliant and insightful, always with a new way of looking at things
-H, who is wholly kind and caring in everything she does, and who tries to see things rationally and fairly with a high amount of respect. She is happy just to spend a bit of time relaxing and taking a break with me, which I really value
-Am, who has incomparable energy and positivity, who is insanely intelligent, sweet, and loyal
-Av, who takes tragedy, and pain I can't even imagine, and wakes up every day, strong, powerful, resilient, and still just as loving as always, taking time just to talk, listen, and be a friend
-All of my other friends, who make me laugh, smile, and make my life at this school that much better
-The school community
-my school, though trying and challenging at times, has given me opportunities I would not be able to find anywhere else, and has taught me not only to care about the world around me, but also to enjoy it as much as I can
-my home being a safe place
-my future
-chapstick
-coffee
-the internet
-living

Desire and The National

1.
I've mentioned this to you already, Z, but I kinda just want to write for a while about life and stuff. See, in English class we've been talking about The Great Gatsby in which the super rich live their lives. The character Gatsby isn't born into riches, and he doesn't really fit into the upper class society despite his best efforts. What he does have, and what other characters in this story lack is desire. He has immense desire for Daisy. Not desire in a petty way, but true desire, the longing for something just out of your reach, the type of desire our english teacher describes as "the thing that makes you get up in the morning, the thing you live for". We talked about things you can desire, in Gatsby's case, a girl, but you could also desire a certain career, a college, a lifestyle, and with these things, you are willing to work really hard and sometimes use any means to acuire this.

Every time we talk about this in class, it hits me how I don't really have desire in this sense. There's not one thing I'm really after, not even an idea of something. I don't feel like my life lacks purpose, but I don't feel like it has any goal either. This is something I've always felt, like some people just know what they love doing, they want to do it for the rest of their lives, and they're either really gifted at it or they just work really hard to be good at it. These people have a passion, and I don't feel like I do. I mean, there's stuff I enjoy doing, I find happiness in many things, but I feel directionless sometimes. I get up in the morning, but it's not for one thing. I go to school, and I work well enough, but I don't have any real goals for schools I want to get into by working hard. I'm going to go to college, but I don't really have any one thing I want to get from it in terms of education or degree.

I guess one thing you could take from this is that because of this, I may as well not get out of bed, or try hard in school, or even plan about going to college. But I do anyway. Because I love the people in my life, and look forward to seeing them every day. I look forward to the people I'm going to meet in the future, I look forward to having fun, and falling in love. I guess in the end, I just want to be happy, and I want to be surrounded, like I am now, by people I love. I don't know if that counts as a desire, or a passion, but to me it makes sense. I guess that's what keeps me getting up in the mornings, and keeps me moving forward. I hope that's ok, and I hope the rest will come to me eventually. I guess to a certain extent, no one really knows what they're doing, and I hope there are lots of other people out there who feel like I do. I also hope that I will do ok in the future just going along like I am.

2.
On another note, I'd just like to take a moment to appreciate some of the more insane lyrics of The National. Here's a list of some of the more crazy ones.
1. I'm a birthday candle in a circle of black girls, God is on my side
2. I defend my family with my orange umbrella
3. I was afraid I'd eat your brains, cuz I'm evil
4. I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees
5.Why did you listen to that man? that man's a balloon
6.It's a common fetish for a doting man to ballerina on the coffee table cock in hand
7. Burn yourself alive and join the monster squad

I think I'll do another list of these soon of all the awesome lyrics they have, not all of their songs are this crazy, lots of them are really beautiful and meaningful.