Last time I wrote was about a year and a half ago so I figured it’s time for a brief update. I graduated in December. I was pretty depressed and anxious. I went off to Malaysia after I graduated with 2 of my best friends from college who had been with me since the first day. I stopped taking my meds while I was there.
I was diagnosed with ADHD somewhere in there, which explained so so much of my entire life, struggling so hard in school and never being able to quite make it, being completely paralyzed with fear when faced with large assignments that required my full focus, feeling stupid and lazy and worthless. It feels a little too late, since it came once I was finished with school, but it’s good to be able to name the thing I’ve been struggling with all these years and realize it’s not just a personality defect.
I got married. It’s been almost a year since me and Em signed the paperwork, self uniting in holy matrimony. They got into a PhD program in York, England and we didn’t want to break up. We got married to make getting a visa easier. I had mixed feelings about it for sure, and it didn’t help that my mom treated it like a huge deal even though I didn’t necessarily see it that way. I messed up as well because I didn’t tell my sister. But she found out anyway. I still regret that even though she’s forgiven me. Even though it was a difficult decision because it is a big commitment, I’ve come to appreciate and cherish it. I recently told Em that even if our worst fear came true and we had to divorce, I would have no regrets about getting married because moving here and being married to Em has made me so happy. Our relationship is stronger than ever now, and it especially helps that we won’t have to be long distance for an extended period ever again.
I got a job. After I graduated, I was in such a state of flux because it was unclear where I would be in the next few months. Em hadn’t graduated yet and they were only just starting to apply for jobs. A lead I had branching off a first semester internship fell through after the woman I had worked for left me hanging completely after saying there was work I could do with her. I wasn’t able to really begin applying anywhere due to all the uncertainty. I worked as a barista. In the summer I applied for the visa and worked as a server. The visa went through and I was so relieved. Being here with no job was excruciating. I would wait in the flat all day for Em to come home. I would plan to go to the gym but put it off hour after hour, hating myself more and more. Finally, I got a call back from the University (where Em studies) accepting me into the temp pool. That temp job pulled me out of a dark place. It gave me structure, a way to occupy my time and stabilize my financial situation. I started actually going to the gym because I now had a concrete routine instead of endless hours stretching ahead of me. I started planning my meals, incorporating healthy foods rather than just eating what felt comforting. I felt more confident and capable. The temp position turned into a direct appointment, which came with a nice raise (though I still don’t make much). It’s just an admin job, but I’m happy to be there for now, and hope I can move on in time to something better.
I’m pretty lonely. I made some friends at a queer woman/gender group, one of which I’ve gotten very close to, though unfortunately she’s moving to London soon. I couldn’t keep up going to this group though, even though I’m pretty lonely and isolated (as I think many recent graduates are) it is really more of a support group and I found it very emotionally draining at times. I’m happiest when I meet up with other cool, well-adjusted young people, but I’m really struggling to meet and befriend people like that. My work is full of middle aged women. I have never ever really had any hobbies, so it feels hard to join any sort of club.
So where I’m at now: Less depressed/anxious than before. Married. Ex-pat? Happy with my job, but also it’s boring. Exercising regularly. Wish I had more friends.
I should probably find a therapist here.
Hope you are all well
