Run on sentences

I’m pretty depressed right now. And anxious, because how could you have one without the other? I didn’t have a job or internship at the start of the summer, and I spent the end of my last semester seriously stressed out and trying super hard to find something and ultimately failing. And coming home not having anything to do felt really fucked up in a way I’ve been feeling on and off since the end of Sophomore year of college. And then I got this job (a place that rhymes with “fuck and punny”) and I thought it would fix the sadness that came with unstructured time and feeling like a failure for not holding down a job. But of course, that’s not how depression works and it turns out that working as a server is actually as hard as everyone says it is. And it’s bringing in stress and bad feelings and sadness in new ways I hadn’t anticipated. And all this time I keep thinking that I’m just bad at coping with stuff or I’m lazy or whatever reason that this sadness is entirely of my own making or that it’s what i deserve. And I need to remind myself that it’s possible that maybe my brain just isn’t working the way it’s meant to? I’m seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks. My mom recently told me that when I was 9 she put me on antidepressants (first of all, wtf) and they made me act crazy. This is relevant because when her father died and she went on antidepressants, she became manic and discovered she had bipolar disorder, which she’s been coping with all her life. So it scares me a little to move towards a path of medication. JK, it scares me a lot. What if it uncovers this latent disease that I’ll then have to cope with on top of being depressed. And that’s to add on to all the normal anxiety that comes with considering medication for depression. But overall, I’m sick of being in pain and hating myself and feeling like there’s something really wrong and broken deep inside of me that will eventually cause everyone I love to leave me. Yikes.