I scared Em the other night when I told her that she was probably never going to be in a place with as many queer girls or as few cis men again after she graduated. It really is special being here, especially as a queer person. Just the knowledge of my own queer relationship combined with the existence of at least 4 queer relationships I’m aware of between people in my year (In my year!) is enough to make me smile.
She said I had a kindness that is rare. She said I was perhaps the most well-adjusted person she’s ever met.
We went to the farmers market and bought a huge loaf of bread and a chunk of cheese and apple butter and raw honey. We sat on the floor and listened to the Beatles w/out being concerned abt how cheesy it was. We cut the bread into huge slabs and covered it in butter and the cheese and the apple butter and drank wine and were just so so so happy
The snowstorm was the most snow she's seen in her life, we spent the day together playing in it, pushing each other into it, sledding, and drinking hot chocolate. The next day we walked into town to get sushi, it's not the best sushi in the world, but in the moment it was perfect.
We went to reading terminal market and stared at all the food on display, then to chinatown for almond bubble tea and hand pulled noodles
I like sitting in my room on Sundays with her, letting the light come in through my window, working on our own homework.
Writing this, I'm realizing food and sex are the pillars of our relationship.
She smokes and I don’t and it’s ok, we still have a really nice time together.
9 months between summer+study abroad is a long time to not see her in person. 9 months. That’s terrifying. I could conceive+give birth in that time. What the fuck.
I had been thinking about the idea of some kind of open relationship while abroad. She brought up the same idea to me the other day. Something about not wanting to miss out on the "full experience" or whatever the fuck. Idk. It’s a while away. Like yeah it makes sense and it’s what we both want so why does it make me feel kinda ehhhhhh?
I know how stupid this sounds but I honestly don’t want to ever stop spending time with her.
When I see her future, she’s working at a physics lab somewhere discovering how to harness fusion energy or whatever she talks about really excitedly to me that just goes straight over my head. I see myself graduating and moving back in with my parents. Like, she possesses an ability to deal with working towards her future that I’ve never been able to do without freaking out and shutting down. She applied to a large number of American universities/colleges from a school where there wasn’t a college counselor, where classmates are currently married with children. She’s applied to physics internships all over the world. I’m not doing any of the things I’m meant to be doing to prepare for my future. What the fuck even is a cities major. I just have a lot of trouble imagining a happy future apart from the context of other people. Like happiness is living somewhere nice close to my friends. Also, like, I know how harmful and Bad it is but god, when I think about my future happiness, I just think about her. Idk, it’s all just scary. I think everyone’s scared about the future at this point in their lives. Just so much uncertainty. I'm trying to remember to stay in the present.
Maybe more to come. Stay tuned.
