"You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone"

20 Spaces I feel content
in no particular order

1. My living room, staring out the huge front window from the couch
2. The kitchen at my grandparent's house, at the counter eating cinnamon toast and drinking coffee in the morning
3. Brooklyn outside my aunt and uncle's house, walking down the streets in the fall weather around thanksgiving
4. In the ocean at the beach, Newport, Jamestown, Block Island, staying in the cold water and rising up and down with the waves
5. Drinking with a group of friends in someone's dorm room before going out
6. Achieving equilibrium underwater while diving, just hovering there in the silence, feeling the weight of each breath
7. On the couch in Z's living room
8. Driving down the backroads on a spring day with the windows wide open and my sister in the passenger seat
9. H's kitchen with the tv on in the background
10. Supreme pizza with my dad and sister and brother sharing a large 3/4 pepperoni 1/4 cheese making commentary on the sports channel playing on tv
11. Walking through the east side of providence and college hill
12. At work in the kitchen chopping vegetables and placing cookies on giant sheet trays
13. At the gym running on the treadmill when the perfect song comes on that makes it impossible to think about stopping
14. Driving down a straight stretch of 295 late at night with the perfect music playing
15. Am's living room in providence, laying on the couch that's both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time
16. The shower back at my house
17. In my bed under the blankets watching a movie
18. On an airplane with a good book
19. In the dining room while my mom is in the kitchen, talking to her through the space between the countertop and cabinets
20. In the passenger seat of my dad's car while he's driving when he mentions he loves me or he's proud of me or he's glad to see me happy

blahs

Sooo this semester isn’t going as well as the last for me. It’s just been really lonely. I’m in these 100-level classes that are big and lecture so it’s not at all an environment where I can meet new people or have conversations with anyone. Then I have lunch alone, which I already hated doing. I can deal with it and everything but it’s still such a depressing state, eating alone, you know? Also got some bs girl issues that are prob 30% me not giving up on getting close to avoid getting hurt in the long run and 70% her not being able to handle being in a relationship. And this kinda stuff has just left me feeling so isolated and lonely, esp since I thrive so much on social interaction and was having such a fun time making new friends and flirting and having fun last semester. Anyway, this kinda stress compounded with stress from overeating in the first part of this semester has been causing me to further overeat as a way of just trying to quiet the feelings of anxiety and inadequacy and solitude. My self esteem has just gotten so low compared to how freaking high it was last year and I can’t figure out how to get back there. Thankfully, I’m at a place now where I’m working to control the scarier parts of my eating habits. I’m working to cut desserts and sweets out of my diet cuz A-they’re unhealthy when you eat them every day like I did, and B-they were actually stressing me out, like I would freak out about what dessert I was going to eat and if i could have two or just one or how many in one day is alright and it’s just so much easier and calmer to not have that to deal with. And I’m also working on eating more consciously, the age-old eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. That part is harder. So often I’m full, not even hungry but just have this strong pull to keep on eating once I start, to keep getting up and getting more food. I’m not sure if it’s cuz I don’t want the satisfaction of eating to go away or the stress I’m dealing with wasn’t solved by my meal so I’m trying to eat more as if that will fix it. There’s also this feeling like if I don’t eat a certain food item, I’m never going to have the chance again so I eat as much as I can even if I’m not hungry. The worst days are the ones where I eat until I’m so full I feel sick and strongly feel the desire to make myself throw up to deal with the guilt I feel for all the food I put inside myself. I just hate the dining hall so much, not that the food is bad, but that it’s just all there, all the time and the environment feels so gross in a way I can’t really explain.

I’m just so sick of thinking about all of this, about how I’ve been dealing with food, but it keeps happening so I have to keep checking myself over and over again, trying to think my way out of this. I know that I’m always going to have some kind of stress in my life. If not loneliness or relationship bs, then something else for sure, and that if I don’t change the way I eat in response to stress, this is always going to be an issue even when those aren’t. I also know that I’m getting better. Or working on it at least. It’s not something I can just switch off. I’m going to make more efforts to text people who aren’t my closest friends to see if they’ll eat with me so I don’t have to be alone. I’m going to do my best to eat what feels good to me and stop once I’m satisfied so I don’t spoil that feeling with one of regret. I know that I am worthy and smart and hard working and beautiful, even if I don’t always feel like it. I just need to get out of my head sometimes.