Hey Guys, Just wanted to get some thoughts out before school starts up again, so much has happened this week, getting college decisions back has made everything so much more real and I am having trouble processing it all so I kinda want to just ramble for a little bit because that helps me sometimes.
I'm scared right now. I'm so so happy with my life, I'm young, I'm confident, I have so much love in my life, and I know my immediate future is really bright. This year I've really learned to love myself, and with that, I've come to allow myself to be loved and be happy. I'm so happy to be alive in this moment, living the wonderful life I'm living, But I'm so so scared. I know I'm not alone too. Just over a month and I will have attended my last wheeler class. In three months I won't be a wheeler student anymore, like I have been for the past 15 years of my life. Everything is about to change, and fast. This year has just gone by so fast, it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. And I hate to think about it of course, because the future is coming whether I worry about it or not, but I just hate this uncertainty. I hate having to make decisions when there is no "right" thing to do, and it's impossible to make everyone happy. I hate having to think about losing meaningful relationships. I hate the idea of leaving home, leaving my family, and living with strangers. And yes, I'm ultimately very lucky that these are the worries and problems I have. But they still make me feel so small and I'm working all the time to reconcile that, to be excited for my future, and be so thankful for everything I have.
I can't stand thinking about B, and what's going to happen to us, and I'm so full of guilt about what I'm doing to him. I'm so happy with him, and he has helped me and given me so much, and I know I have made him really happy. I really do love him, and I don't regret any part of our relationship because it has been really perfect, but we both are in a place where we know the end is coming and it makes things kinda weird and sad and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I had said when I agreed to date him that I didn't want to continue long distance in college. He agreed with me, and my plan hasn't changed, but what has changed is that each day I'm with him, I feel worse and worse about it. I know that it's what I need to do, that we're not both in the right place to make it work out, but I've come to care for him more than I ever thought I could, and leaving him feels so wrong and mean. Even the fact that I've put an "expiration date" on our relationship makes me feel like a total bitch. I do care a lot about him, and being without him isn't going to be easy for me in any way, but there's still a part of me that thinks that moving on is the right thing for me to do, and I feel kind of horrible about it. Of course, it's no good to stay with someone just because leaving them would hurt them, but there's still this fear that I'm never going to be able to find someone as lovely as him again, that I'm making a big mistake leaving him because what if no one loves me the same way again. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense tbh, It's just a bad situation I have to deal with because there's no easy way out. I have to figure out how I really feel and I don't even know, listen to my heart or something? Whatever, how long can I go without dealing with or thinking about this? It just sucks because I'll be sitting right next to him, and I'll feel nostalgic about our relationship even though it's not over, even though it's still happening, I can only live in the moment so much before I start thinking anxiously about the future again. I just want to enjoy the time I have with him, but with everything happening so much and so fast I can't help but feel him slipping away.
Idk that's all for now I guess. Hope you all had a nice break! Sorry for the emotion dump, I am honestly doing pretty well, I'm very happy, and excited for the future, I just have all these worries in the back of my head, and I need to sort through them sooner or late.
