melodrama

You know that feeling, when you're laying down and it takes so much effort to breathe because of all the weight pushing down on you? When you feel vaguely like someone's dug out your insides with an ice cream scoop? You open a book but for some unknown reason, elect to stare vacantly instead of getting any work done. You do laundry, anything besides look at college or homework, even when you know you don't deserve a break, you haven't even done anything but sit around and watch tv. You could be working, you could always be working, doing something, anything worthwhile, so why are you starting yet another tv show, is that going to make you more interesting or something, having seen more tv shows than anyone? Being able to quote firefly? Can't even muster the effort to read a freaking book. Look in the mirror. You're hot enough, you'd fuck you, but no one's interested, no one's ever interested, why is that, what is so wrong with you that you leave this school without ever having been on a date? Not that you need that, not that being with someone defines and validates you, you're fine on your own. You're better off waiting for someone worth fucking to come around than latching onto the first single person who looks your way, although if that were to actually happen you're not so sure how your standards would hold up. Complain. That's right, everyone loves to hear it, but what do you even want them to say? Do you want sympathy? Pity? Do you want them to justify your laziness, to give you compliments and attention? Your life is fine, quit whining, there's no reason for you to feel cavernous loneliness and existential doom. You have friends, a stable family, a bright future. You're not depressed or anxious or bipolar. Quit moping, complaining, lying around. Don't be a bitch about this. Everything is going to be fine, unless you keep up with this inactivity and apathy. Everything is easier said than done but that's no excuse to do nothing, no excuse to sit by while the world moves past. Stop talking about it. No one wants to hear it. No one wants to hear that you should definitely stop talking about it and actually do something either. Get going, get started, get active, shake the desire to shroud yourself in blankets and hide away forever, purge the feelings of dread from the pit of your stomach. Forget the times you made a fool of yourself, forget the offhand comments that stung more than they should have, forget how scared you are. Ignore the possibility no one will like you, ignore the possibility you fail all your classes, ignore the possibility all your friends will decide they hate you one day and never speak to you again, ignore the possibility you don't get into college. Breathe. Try to be brave. Imagine you are not alone, believe that someone else has felt all of these things too. Sleep. Laugh. Live. Cry. Feel alive, while you can. Get out of the house. Reach out. And for god's sake, put on some damn pants.